Just finished my breakfast (coke and a cigarette) if anyone needs a life coach or nutritionist.

I didn't fall out of my car, it was interpretive dance, asshole.

Nothing says "STARE AT MY CROTCH" like this belt buckle I just bought that says stare at my crotch.

Will you be my distraction?

Just read this great book on anti-gravity, I couldn't put it down!

I like people who listen, not people that just wait for their turn to speak.

Sorry I wasn't listening, what was that again? Wait, still not listening, ehh fuck it.

I love how every day someone on twitter reminds me to take my meds. What would I do without you? Prolly kill stupid people.

Ugly is relative, you'll always be the most gorgeous person in the room when you're alone.

Just because I'm wearing pink high heels doesn't mean I wont chase you down and beat you senseless. I'm crazy oh and on drugs

It says people are following me. Should I be scared that I can't see anyone when I look out the window? Are they all ninjas?

Who wants to come over cuddle and read to each other?

I don't like it when the cat watches me get dressed. It's like she's jealous I can change my fur colour, or something.

Got attacked by a monkey today. I mean it was stuffed and all, but it left some emotional scars.

If I go to sleep thinking about sex I will, inevitably, wake up with my hands down my pants.

Ok well, I'm off for some quality time with a book and my stuffed monkey. His name is golgamorth detroyer of bananas and I love him!

You guys know when you fav or RT me it just encourages me, right?

Are those drugs for me? No? Then you can fuck off now.

Fell up the stairs with the lights on, nicely done stairs, nicely done.

ok, so maybe bedazzling the cat wasn't the best idea, but she asked for it... what the fuck else do they purr for?