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If I had a time machine, I'd go back to have a talk with the person who named the Navy Bean. 'Cause, motherfucker that shit is tan at best!
It's like why buy a meat tenderizer when you have a hammer?
I'm losing followers almost by the second! Well there go my hopes and dreams of being really famous and stuff! Drat.
The best fist fight I ever witnessed was two drunk teenagers fighting over if eggs in toast was called Toad in a Hole or Eggie in a Basket.
The dumbest thing I've ever heard is e-cigarette
"Come with me if you want to live... IT UP" -- alternate party version of The Terminator
My friends and I are a joke. NO, SERIOUSLY! A blonde, brunette, and a redhead..........
'Hold On' by Wilson Phillips came on while I was driving and I started laughing hysterically while sobbing! LOL then I rented Bridesmaids.
I'm playing a really fun game right now if you want to join, I guess I'll call it "I Can't Tell If I'm Going to Cry or Throw Up!".
You know when your shopping bags split open and all your shit falls out. I call that "Macaulay Culkining".
Why aren't people freaking out more about strawberries? Their seeds are on the outside, y'all. What if people looked like that!
you probably think this tweet is about you don't you don't you
Who wants to meet me for coffee at zero dark thirty?
If you think you have the most beautiful eyes in the world, you're wrong because my sister does. You don't know anyone whose are prettier.
There was a look of pride in my father's eyes when I told him that I set every kitchen timer in the store for five minutes.
Checking to make sure my earrings were still in while I was in the ocean really made me feel close with Kim Kardashian.
I just want a pet Crow so badly. This is my Crow, Russell Crow.
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Please don't ask me to pick up ice for your party. I'll do it, but I won't want to.