How many McDonalds employee hookups have been precipitated by a double entendre using "special sauce?"

Even one is too many.

My penis is not a load-bearing member.

If these walls could talk they'd say "Less masturbation; more framed art, please.

Please! Oh god not again!"

With respect to the recently remedied split infinitive on the Wikipedia entry for "vulva," you're quite welcome.

You probably didn't lose those followers because you're so edgy. They were probably just tired of your crap. Sorry.

If you're asking a white guy whether he has an Asian fetish, you're kidding yourself. It's strictly a question of magnitude.

"Beer shits don't allow for luxuries like wiping the public toilet seat." -me, in my head, just now, relieved

Why are kids better than clients? When you explain a simple concept, you've got better than 50% odds they'll understand it.

I can't hear the expression "diamond in the rough" without thinking of the expression "butt nugget."

If only I could strap something to my bowels so they could tell me what's troubling them. Kinda like that dolphin from SeaQuest.

If only there were such a thing as a place where people burn for eternity. It would be great for Pat Robertson.

Family generally have no idea how hilarious they are.

She's probably just being friendly to get a better tip. Although she could have real self esteem issues and be looking for validation. Hot!

Sometimes it takes reading a pamphlet over someone's shoulder on the subway to remind you how batshit crazy the Bible is. "He gave His son!"

All this love-you-miss-you-congratulations stuff among the twitterati is embarassing. This isn't Oprah: it's tacos and penis jokes, 'member?

Hey no problem: I'll just move all this drying lingerie so I can take a shower, carefully ensuring it doesn't touch my face or penis.

If you don't get @textism's tweet, but you recognize names of dead Euro-intellectuals, just star it! U look smart!

Female roommates will leave clothes hanging in the bathroom to dry for days at a time--as if there's no such thing as poop vapor!

If you don't feel like torching the earth, maybe it's because you haven't seen the first 5 minutes of Jeff Dunham's Comedy Central special.

In other news, I can now button my fly with the left (wiping) hand (albeit slowly) while reading Twitter with the right. So awesome. So sad.