You can tell the lowest class because they name their children after the most expensive things..

If you're patient, and you wait long enough... nothing will happen.

No matter how successful a woman is in her career, when she goes home, she is just an ordinary girl who wants to be handcuffed to her bed.

I'd like to schedule a disappointment.

I wonder when my mom will realize her cats aren't really my sisters?

Life's short. You should tell people to fuck off more often.

Sometimes I get this feeling I've being clicked on and I'm being dragged to the recycle bin.

If I can see your nipples, either your t-shirt's too tight or you need a fucking bra. And I am talking about you, guys.

Fuck you to people who are always trying to tell other people how to tweet.

Social on the outside, loner on the inside.

A funny girl is a sexy girl.

My wife wants us to go to that new expensive sushi restaurant. I suggested a compromise. We stay at home and lick the goldfish.

To propose to your girlfriend, first, get down on one knee, like a sprinter. Then run away as fast as you can and stop being so stupid.

Really getting tired of being treated like an adult.

If a girl says she like you, it means until further notice.

I feel bad... I just told someone to Fuck Off on twitter... I meant to say Please Fuck Off....

Cheese, chocolates, bacons. No wonder I can't stick to a diet. The only low-fat thing in the fridge is the bulb.

Dear Monday, I wish I have enough middle fingers to show how much I looove you.

People getting married tomorrow, you have 24 hours to come to your senses.

Silliness is an underrated attribute.