@jonahray expresses his love for his favoritest band evar!!! @nerdist @mattmira http://t.co/DPNMezEF

@jonahray THANK YOU FOR SIGNING MY DAVE MATTHEWS BAND CDS!!!!!1!1!2 XOXO LOL

REDO: It's one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration, and forfty-seven percent making up numbers.

@cbarrett Steampunk is sepia tone goth

I’ve started shooting myself in the ankle, considering the feet are pretty much gone at this point.

Go to hell RT @whatdoiknow Everyone remember to set your clocks back one hour tonight. An extra hour of sleep! Woo hoo!

“Haha, I get it. I get jokes.”  http://instagram.com/p/aWvK8WkCjh/ 

#DescribeYourCrush throwing wine in the waiter’s face while chewing three pieces of grape Bubble Yum, mouth open, the smell fills the room

Every time I see the @endgames_improv slide in an @sfsketchfest preshow slideshow, I get a big stupid grin

“Fuck you, Mark Zuckerberg!” : Insult yelled at me by drunk derelict on 16th and Mission tonight. Best insult ever or best insult ever?

@julp @soworkedup @wikiweeks @chelout @thenewwords @michelejaret @jackflips @dallaroo "It's vegan. I made it tomorrow is today" - michelsea

I'm going to bed an hour early so I can get a head start on reading everyone's daylight savings time zingers tomorrow

@redwithenvy I initially read "coherency" as "decency". Still works.

@redwithenvy Wine removes leg stubble? Isn't that an urban legend?

@redwithenvy Or to be more specific, seven hours and fifteen days after a breakup

First day of teaching. Still have to go through Carl's Jr. drivethru and say, "Can't talk now, I've got a class to teach!" and drive off.

The porn wasn't good enough to require massive rapid distribution. RT @julp why didn't anyone in the olden days invent the internet?

@cobbscomedyclub Always having a seat on the Muni 29 when I head to work.

I drink to drown out the children’s screams from seeing me vomit out all that alcohol

Thanks, #autocorrect!  http://instagram.com/p/Z8fPEKEChQ/