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Twitter has introduced me to so many fellow chronic insomniacs out there, even though they keep calling themselves "Australians."
Why do guys think girls only talk about their periods? I love sports and talk about it constantly... ugh, but my period is the worst though.
I'm not saying I don't trust Adele, but I would like to hear the other side of the story.
If life hands you lemons, run and scream, because the universal condition of biological existence shouldn't have limbs.
A game show in Pakistan is giving away babies as prizes. Your move, Oprah.
Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline... nope, it's definitely a metabolic birth defect.
FYI: If I become a ghost the last thing I'd do is check Facebook so don't worry about writing any sentimental crap on my page. We're good.
So jealous of the Ozone layer. Getting thinner every day and doesn't have to do a damn thing.
A brain eating amoeba is sweeping through the US. Wait, I thought "Two and a Half Men" premiered in September?
Marty McFly had the technology to kill Hitler and refused to use it. Think about it. #secretnazi
My cat reacts to thunder like it's a positive pregnancy test.
For someone so smart Stephen Hawking sure gets me lost a lot on my GPS.
Caught a fever from being in the rain last night, so apparently I'm the sister in every Jane Austen novel.
Scotty Pippen is the Michael Jordan of asking people why no one is the Scotty Pippen of anything.
Burger King's creepy mascot will no longer keep you up at night... now it'll just be the diarrhea.
Today I was in a building built in 1413 and now I have a cold. All signs point to the Black Death.
Show you what?!? I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME, MISSOURI!!!
Potatoes deserve their own food pyramid.
I'm wearing my "Don't fucking touch me, I'm German" T-shirt today.
I live in constant fear that Tom Green will have a career resurgence.
True story: I once hit Geraldo Rivera in the face with a box of pies. Delve deeper into my mental illness on @kimandocomedy. http://schwandrea.tumblr.com
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