The trouble with a meritocracy is that people only support it until they realise where they sit at its outcome...

There is beauty and love to be found everywhere.

Just kidding, idiots. Life sucks. Don’t go outside.

I'm a real bitch until I get my first cup of coffee... Actually, I'm a bitch after it too. But hey, I still love coffee.

This red velvet cupcake understands me completely, where others have failed.

No longer able to ignore glaring contradictions, the holes in hastily formed lies become visible and truth takes shape reflected in actions.

I'm a voter, and I'm fucking pissed. Give me a 3rd party that represents middle American values and concerns, and I'm there.

I want to have a cake fight so epic we break down sobbing afterward apologizing for shit we didn't even do and then fornicate in frosting.

I'm the asshole standing by the adult section at Family Video watching people peek through the crack to see if I'm gone so they can leave.

If you're sending a woman a picture on Kik in hopes of making her panties wet, it better be of a handbag or money, otherwise you're fucked.

The first 2 guys that thought Superman was a bird or a plane...Why the hell were they so excited?

If you're feeling sad, call up Saint Jude Hospital and talk to a kid with cancer and SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Would you excuse me for a moment? I'm gonna go mouth molest some beef jerky and string cheese.

"I do think there's a dork in these woods..." - Bigfoot

Women on Twitter: "I just love sex. Oral sex. Butt sex. All sex!!''

Reality: "Ugghh I have a headache get away you're gross!!"

I'm Swedish and I still have a better and bigger grasp of how the English language and its grammar works than some of you!!

My dog was howling, so I mooned her. It was strictly for authenticity.

If I flick over to porn to hide what I was really looking at on the internet you are right to be a little nervous.

I slept with this chick for nine months, then she spat me out like an apple seed, she let me suck her boobs for a while, then nothing.

If you're single and have black & white photos of yourself as a kid, then you're old enough to know you should hide that shit.

I just want to find a girl who will love me as much as I do.