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I'm wearing a wedding dress in my Tinder profile photo.
The difference between weird and eccentric is a tax bracket.
I'm the coolest person at this stop sign.
I'm not a bombshell, I'm a bomb threat.
Is 8am too early to complain about being sober?
Let's go start a bar tab.
Wearing my bathrobe backwards like a ghetto snuggie.
I'm not always a mess, but when I am, I'm hot.
Oh dude, don't flatter yourself. You're not even in the parking lot of the Friend Zone.
I have only have had 2 boyfriends in my life. One is now gay and the other one is probably gay and married to me.
All of my friends live in my phone.
I use the word "fuck" as a comma.
We should take a nap.
The fastest way out of the friend zone is with a $100 bar tab at lunch.
How many calories can I burn pretending to not care?
When the heated seats are on in the car I am always scared that I accidentally peed my pants, but really it's just the heated seats.
You can tell a lot about a person who doesn't say goodbye to their pets when they leave the house.
Oh hang on, let me put my fuck you hat on.
I can't wait for the time to change so all of the clocks in the house will be right again.
I need a shirt that says, "In memory of when I cared est 2008"
#I #am #delightful.
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