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I'm wearing a wedding dress in my Tinder profile photo.
Is 8am too early to complain about being sober?
I'm the coolest person at this stop sign.
All of my friends live in my phone.
The fastest way out of the friend zone is with a $100 bar tab at lunch.
I have only have had 2 boyfriends in my life. One is now gay and the other one is probably gay and married to me.
Wearing my bathrobe backwards like a ghetto snuggie.
I can't wait for the time to change so all of the clocks in the house will be right again.
Lingerie is tacky, uncomfortable, and still considered clothes. Save your money, ladies and just get naked.
Romance isn't dead, it's just resting so go outside and play for awhile.
All of my friends were produced by Watson Pharmaceuticals.
I'm going as myself for Halloween. That's probably scary enough.
Oh hang on, let me put my fuck you hat on.
How many calories can I burn pretending to not care?
We should take a nap.
"To be or not to be?" -- a beekeepers existential crisis.
Can't. Licking wing sauce off my fingers.
When you nightstand is covered in candy wrappers instead of condom wrappers you need to evaluate your life.
10:18am is close enough to noon for fried chicken, right?
Let's go start a bar tab.
I am delightful. http://favstar.fm/users/scoccaro
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