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I'm wearing a wedding dress in my Tinder profile photo.
The difference between weird and eccentric is a tax bracket.
I'm the coolest person at this stop sign.
Is 8am too early to complain about being sober?
I'm not a bombshell, I'm a bomb threat.
Wearing my bathrobe backwards like a ghetto snuggie.
I'm not always a mess, but when I am, I'm hot.
Let's go start a bar tab.
Oh dude, don't flatter yourself. You're not even in the parking lot of the Friend Zone.
We should take a nap.
All of my friends live in my phone.
I have only have had 2 boyfriends in my life. One is now gay and the other one is probably gay and married to me.
When the heated seats are on in the car I am always scared that I accidentally peed my pants, but really it's just the heated seats.
How many calories can I burn pretending to not care?
The fastest way out of the friend zone is with a $100 bar tab at lunch.
I use the word "fuck" as a comma.
I need a shirt that says, "In memory of when I cared est 2008"
I can't wait for the time to change so all of the clocks in the house will be right again.
Oh hang on, let me put my fuck you hat on.
We didn't have an Elf on a Shelf growing up to make us behave as children, my dad just kept a Belt on the Shelf.
#I #am #delightful. http://favstar.fm/users/scoccaro
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