Wearing my bathrobe backwards like a ghetto snuggie.

I'm the coolest person at this stop sign.

do i have to be a single, stay-at-home mom who wallows in her own low self-esteem to blog, or can anybody do that?

Oh hang on, let me put my fuck you hat on.

you know youre tweeting a fat chick when her picture is her dog

hating people who refer to a cup of coffee from starbucks as "a starbucks".

Cheese is the cocaine of the dairy family.

I'm not saying you're gay, just that you know what a dick tastes like.

i will only friend high school people if they look like they have gotten fat.

WHAT IN TARNATION

fuck your personal brand.

Shit @jaredwsmith says: "I do"

im pregnant with my work boyfriends baby.

just because it is easter doesnt mean you can dress like a fag.

What? I'm out of blinker fluid? Again?

i think im going to learn how to skateboard so i have something to talk about when i try to pick guys up at the middle school.

watching House, taking a Vicodin every time he does.

Going running with a stomach full of drugs and booze. What a fucking awesome idea that was.

first person to rt me gets a shout out to my shared office space and a signed nothing from me!

if you werent popular in high school you are probably popular on the internet.