Thanks for the man photo @jimmyfallon http://t.co/gYSssySa

http://t.co/1JEJdn5O

All I want for Christmas is abs and 1,000 more followers.

I still play Words With Friends like it's 2010.

If I've never used a semicolon in a text to you, it's because I don't like you.

I just cried three different times. #Knope2012

Growing up is buying watches without backlights.

Nobody gets me like my music on shuffle gets me. Nobody.

Just because I'm too tired to tweet my narcissism doesn't mean it isn't happening.

I'm a little more gay than I was before the halftime show.

#ff @aaronfullerton (Just don't tell him that the two a's at the beginning of his name make him sound pretentious.)

Can't wait until I don't have to draw my abs on anymore.

Not 100% sure I didn't just use dog shampoo. #nofleas?

@aaronfullerton If that's real, I'm passing around the sign-up sheet. If I can find my clipboard.

iPhone just autocorrected 'samzurs' to 'samezies.' This must be what Will Smith felt like at the end of iRobot. I've conquered the machine.

"You picked a terrible time to move to Indiana. We're going to have a terrible winter." -everyone http://t.co/m2600GKB

Sometimes I forget I have large tattoos. Looked in the mirror and thought I was Kat Von D.

Resolution: To not use the letter 'k' unless absolutely necessary. (I'm looking at you, __ardashians.)

There's bird poop on my windshield outside of widerblade range. NOW WHAT?!

I'm out of jokes. Just make it happen. @aaronfullerton #ff (and maybe if I #ff him enough, he'll #ff me back. it's the little things.)