I got 99 goblins cuz a witch ate one. #unfollow

So glad I know how to solve quadratic equations. Those really come in handy in my adult life never.

The problem with sentence fragments.

Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty well equipped to withstand salacious objectification.

Some people seem pretty good on paper. Then it turns out the paper is toilet paper.

If I were female, I'd be an even MORE vocal advocate against the objectification of women. Also, my tits would be INCREDIBLE.

Let's say you HAD to have sex with an animal. Which animal would you choose? For me, I'd choose a human being. The fuck were you thinking?

PBJ should get some kind of lifetime achievement award.

Rollin down the street, smokin endo, sippin on gin & juice. Laid back. With my mind on my mo- wow I should not be driving in this condition.

This soup is so tender it is literally falling off the fork.

It,s so annoying when your apostrophes won,t stay up.

The kid can devastate me with a single question. "Daddy, were you less proud of me when I fell down and cried?"

I'm still new at my job & I think I just said "night night" to a male coworker on my way out of the office. So that should help.

When asked a question while chewing a mouthful of food, I like to hold up a finger while I finish chewing because, hey, look at my finger.

Pac-Man perfectly epitomizes our national character: running from ghosts; frantically consuming all we can.

This tweet is not going to end wel.

So I guess that's one way to learn about Twitter jail.

So unfair how they call me a party pooper when all I did was shit on the birthday cake.

My kids love me maybe a third as much as they love their mother, which is to say that they love me immensely.

Satan's birthmarks are shaped like McNuggets.