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"Darkness, imprisoning me! All that I see! Absolute horror! I canno- oh, wait a second." -James Hetfield, putting a hoodie on the wrong way
Need For Tweed: Hot Fur Suit #LameVideoGames
Hipster shoots zombie. Says: "I liked you better... when you were underground." #newactionmoviequotes
Couldn't make it to Bonnaroo this year so I hired a sweaty drunk dude to throw me in the dumpster behind a Chipotle.
For me, the holiday season doesn't officially start until I've heard Wham's "Last Christmas" at least 18 times. So yeah, it's started.
I honestly can't buy into the prophecies of a sect that worships 90's R&B singer Maya.
Bruce Bingsteen #FailedTechBands
Hipster shoots zombie. Says: "I liked you better... when you were underground." #actionmoviequotes
How can you tell if Glenn Frey was in your apartment? The heat is on. #GlennFreyJokes
If I ever inherit a hipster cow, I am naming it Mooey Deschanel. This will not be open for discussion.
Can't Stop Farting: A Family's Story #NewTLCRealityShows
"We Bought a Zoo" is probably the best rebuttal yet to the Whitney Houston song, "Didn't We Almost Buy a Zoo."
Mitt Romney = Shooter McGavin
"Once Kardashians started outnumbering Wayans brothers, everything pretty much went to shit." #OldPeopleIn2045
Would I be a horrible person if I said the #Kony video is the biggest, most manipulative piece of self-important dreck? Because... yeah.
I guess that kid got to see how his mom got Prego. #Ragu
Comedian / Writer / Actor / Improviser. UCB trained. Featured on @Mashable. I have great legs.