I'm having a bad nose hair day.

"Sure, they might THINK they're all superior, but we're not the ones who have to wipe our ass." — Animals, talking about us

It's Friday night and I'm single. I have issues, but I also have tissues. So I'm good to go.

I like Twitter because I don't have to listen to all this wreckage in real life.

I said "don't be judgin' me" to the judge. Lot fucking good that did.

I love it when I get to be the designated drunkard.

Know who feels like REAL second-class citizens? Eye boogers.

I only star your tweets, not you. You're probably a horrible person.

I say "Hiya doin'?" My bartender hears "LINE 'EM UP AND KEEP 'EM COMIN'!" You can't put a price on that kind of perceptiveness.

Applying for nat'l landmark status on my huge pile of dirty laundry so I can charge whoever visits me $12 for scenic Mount Washmore.

Auctioning off my dignity. Bid currently stands at a bag of Funyuns, 5 shots of Jack and a glass eyeball.

In my fridge, "got milk?" means "got something lumpy?"

It must suck to be corn. Everyone in the whole field's a stalker.

Wash your hands all you want, but some of the coins you handle were once recovered from the pockets of dead people.