@scottsimpson's (Scott Simpson) most faved Tweets...
I am unwilling to buy a DVD player if the box is a bit scuffed, but I am willing to buy a house where strangers have had sex for 50 years.
I prefer the term "lonely media." "Social" makes it sound like you're, you know, talking to someone. When, in fact, you're totally alone.
"THEN HE GOES BACK IN TIME AND THE DOGGIE IS SAD AND ICE CREAM." —My 3 year-old, telling a more coherent story than LOST.
Spot my mistake: I took my kids, on Black Friday, to Best Buy, to get a USB cable. If you answered "having children," you're correct!
Another way the credit card companies get you: apparently they take all of your little charges and add them up into one big fucking bill.
The lady in front of me at the coffee shop is complaining so loudly Bill Murray showed up just to roll his eyes.
They've got a mall kiosk for everything these days. I just got my prostate checked. For $50. Outside the mall. Inside a van marked "Kiosk."
The nice thing about waiting a week to listen to your voicemail is that those people usually don't need you for that thing anymore.
An astute wife will notice that her husband and children are meeting her at the airport in the same clothes they dropped her off in.
Know a good divorce lawyer? My wife just told me she was at Target. But on Google Street View, her car is CLEARLY VISIBLE in our driveway.
I think I've discovered the Holy Grail of good advice. First aid, sex, negotiation, whatever, this phrase always works: "Apply pressure."
The bank owns a good chunk of this house but hasn't once taken out the garbage. Worst roommate ever.
It's not that I have to buy tampons. It's that I have to search for a specific level of flow control.
"Whipped Spread," the little package reads, a comma away from being the most disturbing sentence ever.
Tip: To have your favorites shown faster, follow @favstar