"Skyfall" from the film "Skyfall," written by Skyfall McSkyfall, produced by Skyfall and Steve Albini

.@jack_welch the job numbers are as real as all the people you laid off in the town where I grew up, dipshit

One of the Olympians from the Cayman Islands is actually a pile of Mitt Romney's money

what if we treated mass murderers like people who run on the field at ballgames and didn't publish their pictures or names?

seems like these suspects have a complicated, multilayered backstory. I'm sure cable news will be up to the task of unraveling it accurately

if the Giuliani hears "9-11" he comes out of his hole and we get six more weeks of 9-11

"Hey brown guy, prove you belong here by showing your papers to this rich white douche!" - American history, forever and ever, apparently

"this SCOTUS ruling goes against everything America stands for!" - guy who spent entire year in US History class drawing dicks on his desk

I saw Johan Santana pitch a season saving shutout on 3 days' rest on a torn meniscus. He doesn't owe me or anyone else anything

by referring to a "Jedi mind meld," Obama has opened himself up to charges of being a fake geek girl

How is .gif pronounced? Trick question. You don't pronounce things on the Internet. Only old people still talk out loud.

I hate when people try to "politicize" a moment by "passing laws" and "enacting policies to prevent horrible things from happening"

Romney seems to have a "Dukakis in a tank" moment almost daily

"I'll have what she's having! Oh, you don't serve orgasms here? The patty melt, then." #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue

WE WANT AN EXACT REPLICA OF AN EXPERIENCE THAT CAN'T BE REPEATED BUT DIFFERENT BUT THE SAME AND ALSO YOU SHOULD WIN THINGS BY WATCHING IT

I like when people say sports are dumb and pointless, as if that wasn't true of 99.99% of what humans do

Hey Staten Island,I know you still don't have drinkable water. hope you won't mind handing out Gatorade to 10,000 marathon runners

I've made a decision about my future output that affects virtually nobody but I'm going to mark here in the vaguest way possible anyhow

Metta World Party #NBABands

i assume Bartolo Colon tested positive for gravy