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I bet every recipe for disaster has raisins in it.
No, I'm pretty sure it's "disposable thumbs."
I'm in the mood for pizza or to see an evil person swerve to hit a squirrel but miss entirely, crash, and be consumed in flames, either way.
What if everything you knew about electric can opener motors was a lie?
White boys who say "turnt up" usually end up getting turnt down.
I once met this guy who was so creepy that his van had a basement.
Bills, Best to Worst:
I wrote a joke about DiGiorno's but I'm still working on the delivery.
Picked up Eminem's new album but then I put it right back down and left the store.
Let's play a game.
I say a word and you say the 1st word that comes to mind. Ready?
car / pizza
necklace / pizza
ugh / pizza
I'm more proud of never having done the Macarena than I am of never having done heroin.
"I knew you were Trouble when you walked in."
- Monopoly, upon seeing his old pal at the Board Games Reunion
When people describe the departed as being in "a better place" I always imagine them boxing a kangaroo in the 1930's.
I wish I was a little bit shorter
I wish I played recorder
I wish I had a girl in a state near my border
Could you be a deer and run out in front of my car?
I warmed up the car this morning with a few decorative throw pillows.
In order to find yourself you've got to lose yourself. In order to lose yourself you've got to find a couch with DEEP cushions.
"What's COOLer than being COOL?"
"I SAID, 'What's COOLer than being COOL?"
"We already answered that. Can we move on now thanks"
Went for a long run yesterday and when I got home my worries and cares were so excited to see me that they almost tackled me.