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"Jesus Christ, get a look at these fucking idiots." - if my dad had introduced The Beatles instead of Ed Sullivan
"They should do a reality show about us!!!" - groups of drunken women all over America right now.
When the fuck did everyone get into hiking?!
Next to murder, the worst thing a human being can do is wave their arms slowly back and forth over their heads at a concert.
Despite tragic passing of Joan Rivers, she'll be performing four shows this weekend at Foxwoods Casino.
The last guy who questioned my masculinity got a face full of lavender tea.
Amy Poehler has never won an Emmy. Whether you're in the TV academy or not, vote now & correct the biggest injustice in history of mankind.
This power outage is the worst thing to ever happen in the Superdome.
"Don't worry, this reality TV shit will be gone in a year." - me to room of TV writers in 2005
Can't wait to see "Gotham" to learn how Officer Gordon became Commissioner Gordon. Hoping for lots of test-taking and waiting for scores.
MOVIE WRITING TIP: Two characters should talk lying on grass with their heads side-by-side in opp directions. Cuz that's what people do.
Before I watch any new network comedy, I say to myself "This better be filled with diversity."
I was horrified by the non-stop hitting, name-calling & hair-pulling in "Bully." Then I realized I was in "3 Stooges" and it was hilarious.
OSCAR FUN FACT: To become Abraham Lincoln, during filming, Daniel Day-Lewis ate nothing but pennies.
If I had the power to fix one giant problem in the world, I'd eliminate tweets with a pic or video that start with "When you..."
Wasn't "Coachella" the Jerry Lewis movie where he had to dress as a woman to coach a girls' basketball team?
WRITING TIP: Every movie should start with a close-up of an alarm clock going off and a hand clumsily trying to silence it.
Simpsons, Parks & Rec, Everybody Loves Raymond, Carmichael Show & lots of canceled stuff. LA Kings fan & Boston Bruins bandwagon-jumper-on-er.
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