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Get rich or try dying
Some people are like fine wines. You pretend to enjoy them so you don't look like an asshole.
And on the seventh day God wore his sweatpants and fiddled with his wiener periodically.
I've slept every night for 25 years, but I still don't know where to put my arms.
Can't wait to see who wins "best hubby ever" on today's episode of Facebook.
Hey, why don't you make like a tree and die in the winter.
Ever pet a dog just so he stays, but once he's settled- you stop petting? That's relationships.
I'd never hang myself because I can't handle the thought of someone finding me with a double chin.
Quick heads up to everyone and everything: I'm not interested.
I'm really good at taking a compliment, and smashing it to bits with my mind.
Sorry I'm late. I got lost and didn't give a shit.
Getting a short receipt from CVS feels like being dumped by someone you weren't even into.
Thanks for always wanting to fuck me no matter what, Mexicans in parking lots <3
The only thing more hopeless than celebrity marriages is a society that gives a shit about them.
Coffee is the best way to start a day if you're some weirdo who hates to cum.
"Dude! It's SO good!" -everyone about every show you haven't seen
What if your obituary called you a "twitter personality"
If I were a barista my catchphrase would be "Here's your coffee. You're still not important."
Hey couples with joint Facebook accounts: No one wants to fuck either of you.
What is it about grocery aisles that makes people forget how to get the fuck out of the way?