Get rich or try dying

Some people are like fine wines. You pretend to enjoy them so you don't look like an asshole.

I've slept every night for 25 years, but I still don't know where to put my arms.

Can't wait to see who wins "best hubby ever" on today's episode of Facebook.

And on the seventh day God wore his sweatpants and fiddled with his wiener periodically.

Hey, why don't you make like a tree and die in the winter.

Ever pet a dog just so he stays, but once he's settled- you stop petting? That's relationships.

I'd never hang myself because I can't handle the thought of someone finding me with a double chin.

Quick heads up to everyone and everything: I'm not interested.

I'm really good at taking a compliment, and smashing it to bits with my mind.

The only thing more hopeless than celebrity marriages is a society that gives a shit about them.

"Dude! It's SO good!" -everyone about every show you haven't seen

New phrase for masturbation: I gotta take a jizz.

What is it about grocery aisles that makes people forget how to get the fuck out of the way?

If your name is Chris I'm already bored.

What if your obituary called you a "twitter personality"

Thanks for always wanting to fuck me no matter what, Mexicans in parking lots <3

Telling everyone about your fitness plan won't make you skinnier unless you're doing it door to door.

To be fair, peeing on someone is a more traditional way to claim ownership than marriage.

There's no way you're not a complete piece of shit if you use sheets for curtains.