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The only good thing about "I Love the Nightlife" is you can sing most of it while gargling mouthwash.
"So I listened to this Daft Punk album once while browsing the web. I will now unveil my critique" --the Internet, 5/13/13
Cool that you guys like the new Daft Punk album but please note that it killed Dr. Joyce Brothers.
my dad is making dad noises while staring at the laptop
Whenever I see a hot girl at a bus stop I always think, she must be a real pain in the ass, because hot girls can usually get a ride.
I listened to David Sedaris read Miranda July's "Roy Spivey" last night, and wow. Hilarious, amazing story. Listen: http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/books/2012/11/fiction-podcast-david-sedaris-reads-miranda-july.html …
Probably gonna die trying to get this ingrown vagina hair out - my waxer is Katia & she works in Princeton. Avenge me.
89% of these Oklahoma City Thunder crowd T-shirts will one day be wrapped around a piping hot beaker of meth.
Drove super far to a movie, had the time wrong. Manager gave me a comp ticket, stranger paid for my parking, and sbux gave me half off.
Might steal a tweet later.
I used to go see Chris Christie & the Lap Band at the Stone Pony in Astbury Park. Good times.
Wolf Blitzer, Stone Phillips & Lester Holt's folks gave them porn names but despite that, they persevered & ended up w/ noble TV careers.
Just had kind of a painful sneeze. Why you gotta do me like that, sneeze? When I'm the sort of person who appreciates a good sneeze.
Does HGTV give all of their potential home buyers ungrateful jerk lessons
I used to think every human life was precious until I realized there are still community college students who brag about their grades
Whoever put those sudden high notes in Happy Birthday is a real piece of shit.