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A group of drunk girls is called a Struggle.
Get rich or try dying
Some people are like fine wines. You pretend to enjoy them so you don't look like an asshole.
I've slept every night for 25 years, but I still don't know where to put my arms.
Can't wait to see who wins "best hubby ever" on today's episode of Facebook.
I'd never hang myself because I can't handle the thought of someone finding me with a double chin.
And on the seventh day God wore his sweatpants and fiddled with his wiener periodically.
Ever pet a dog just so he stays, but once he's settled- you stop petting? That's relationships.
Hey, why don't you make like a tree and die in the winter.
Sorry I'm late. I got lost and didn't give a shit.
Quick heads up to everyone and everything: I'm not interested.
The only thing more hopeless than celebrity marriages is a society that gives a shit about them.
I'm really good at taking a compliment, and smashing it to bits with my mind.
"Dude! It's SO good!" -everyone about every show you haven't seen
If your parents are still married it means your mom's a squirter.
To be fair, peeing on someone is a more traditional way to claim ownership than marriage.
What if your obituary called you a "twitter personality"
If it wasn't for my brother I'd never know what dog food and paper tastes like.
Telling everyone about your fitness plan won't make you skinnier unless you're doing it door to door.
If I were a barista my catchphrase would be "Here's your coffee. You're still not important."