Coffee is the best way to start a day if you're some weirdo who hates to cum.

Some people are like fine wines. You pretend to enjoy them so you don't look like an asshole.

And on the seventh day God wore his sweatpants and fiddled with his wiener periodically.

Never thought I'd live in a world where someone dies and everyone's first thought is "QUICK WRITE A FUCKING JOKE!!!"

I've slept every night for 25 years, but I still don't know where to put my arms.

I've never listened to Fun. but I have swallowed a chip whole and felt it cut my throat all the way down.

That'll do, that'll doers, that'll do.

You see Billy, when 2 people love each other very much they decide to watch all their favorite tv shows together.

I don't know, I hate to be a cynic, but maybe give up on this one? pic.twitter.com/u4gUc9R7

"Dude! It's SO good!" -everyone about every show you haven't seen

If you watch The Wizard of Oz closely you can see me hanging myself in the reflection of the tv.

Mom: What's that weird organ that starts with a P?
Aunt: Pancreas?
Mom: Yeah! He has cancer in his pancreas.

Hey, why don't you make like a tree and die in the winter.

Really, truly hope I never have to save someone's life by pulling them up the side of a cliff one-handed.

Well, it looks like the 5 second rule does not apply to babies.

Guys who give themselves nicknames also spend a fair amount of time raping.

If your name is Chris I'm already bored.

I'm really good at taking a compliment, and smashing it to bits with my mind.

Living down the street from a bar that showcases jam bands has really sparked my interest in brutal murder.

Ever pet a dog just so he stays, but once he's settled- you stop petting? That's relationships.