Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
When the conversation hits a lull that's when I bust out my accordion.
It's too early for a sex joke.
I'd better do a political one.
John Boehner in my pants.
*walks into a bank*
"This is a stick up!"
"Sir this is a sperm bank."
*looks around nervously*
"This is a dick up!"
Drunk dial the cops, because YOLO!
I'm trying on ties at the mall by wrapping them around my waist and thrusting my pelvis at the mannequins.
There's nothing like kicking a hobo to start your morning.
I'm kidding, you guys. That's cruel.
It was only a pigeon.
accidental RTs are the worst
Fruit By The Fuck™
Vanna White chocolate rain dance hall monitor lizard king
When I star a tweet, it means I think it's funny. When I RT a tweet, it means I wish I would have written it.
OH MY GOD! *dialing* HELLO? YES IS THIS POISON CONTROL? UM, IS THERE ANY WAY THAT YOU COULD GET BRET MICHAELS TO STOP HUMPING MY DAUGHTER?
Jerry is late to join Facebook; Elaine fakes her eHarmony account. Kramer and Newman buy old faucets on Craigslist. #updatedseinfeld
Tigers can't be pets - all the stripes you know - but lions are ok because they're fluffy.
James Dean had the right idea, what with all the sausage and everything.
I'm gonna go make some bacon if you guys are interested.
NO FAT CHICKS!
lopsided dick sweater
Show me your knees!