When the conversation hits a lull that's when I bust out my accordion.

It's too early for a sex joke.
I'd better do a political one.

John Boehner in my pants.


Damnit.

Drunk dial the cops, because YOLO!

accidental RTs are the worst

I'm trying on ties at the mall by wrapping them around my waist and thrusting my pelvis at the mannequins.

There's nothing like kicking a hobo to start your morning.

I'm kidding, you guys. That's cruel.

It was only a pigeon.

Fruit By The Fuck™

Tigers can't be pets - all the stripes you know - but lions are ok because they're fluffy.

I'm gonna go make some bacon if you guys are interested.

NO FAT CHICKS!

Vanna White chocolate rain dance hall monitor lizard king

lopsided dick sweater

OH MY GOD! *dialing* HELLO? YES IS THIS POISON CONTROL? UM, IS THERE ANY WAY THAT YOU COULD GET BRET MICHAELS TO STOP HUMPING MY DAUGHTER?

When I star a tweet, it means I think it's funny. When I RT a tweet, it means I wish I would have written it.

Jerry is late to join Facebook; Elaine fakes her eHarmony account. Kramer and Newman buy old faucets on Craigslist. #updatedseinfeld

I'm so stoned I could eat at Arby's.

Show me your knees!

Jam or jelly? Which is a better lubricant?

James Dean had the right idea, what with all the sausage and everything.

Idea: a car that runs on beer shits.




I'll just wait here while you get me my millions of dollars.

Be careful not to trip over your boyfriend's giant penis.