@seanhussey's (Sean Hussey) most faved Tweets...
While y'all complain about losing an hour's sleep last night, I'm reminiscing about the hour and 30 seconds of sex I had.
Oh, just buying a 35-pound tub of sand so an animal eaten in other countries will feel more comfortable taking a shit in my house. You?
Being unemployed is great! Only one person complains when I don't shower and I can't even hear her from my new bed on the couch!
Me: How many eyes do I have?
Boy: 2!
Me: Ears?
Boy: 2!
Me: Noses?
Boy: 1!
Me: Mouths?
Boy: 1!
Me: Chins?
Boy: 2!
Me: Go to bed.
Boy: 2!
Me: Ears?
Boy: 2!
Me: Noses?
Boy: 1!
Me: Mouths?
Boy: 1!
Me: Chins?
Boy: 2!
Me: Go to bed.
I don't see "Thou shalt pay for healthcare" in the Bible. It's mostly this Jesus guy healing people with pre-existing conditions for free.
Just cleaned and vacuumed out the car for the first time in almost 2 years. That raccoon was PISSED.
Did you know? The sound of shooting whipped cream into your mouth masks the sound of your wife coming downstairs.
I'm at the point where Facebook is suggesting people who once sat 3 stalls down from me in restrooms in 1992.
Have lowered my wife's expectations so much that she said I had to dress nicely today, meaning sweater and jeans. ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED
Alamo rented us a Grand Marquis instead of a Maxima. I've already left the blinker on for 5 miles and crapped my Depends twice.
Jeez, leave it to IHOP to take 2 pounds of ham, sausage, bacon, egg, hash brown, pancake batter and cheese and make it unhealthy.
Remember kids, when you retweet and mangle the original tweet, you're retweeting everyone who's ever fucked your mother in the mouth.
I'll reach out to them and touch base so we can drill down before we circle back and get on the same page and punch ourselves in the throat.
My iPhone's non-correction of my typing today will be, I hope, the only time I tell someone that I just sharted a new job.
What Maine did: Spitefully repealed gay marriage rights.
What Maine wanted to do: Stop gay people from fucking.
They failed on both counts.
What Maine wanted to do: Stop gay people from fucking.
They failed on both counts.
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