I don't claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I'm guessing that it's like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

If Batman doesn't wear underwear with my picture all over them, then this relationship is as one-sided as I feared.

Your pants say yoga, but your ass says pizza.

The death of Kim Kardashian's cat is headlining yahoo, if you wondered why bills are passed without us knowing.

If I win the lottery tonight, I'm going to fill my car all the way up with gas.

I found a FRUITY Pebble in my box of COCOA Pebbles!! I rescued it, nurtured it, and named it RuPaul.

Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?

Kelly Clarkson, and Adele walk into a bar.
Not at the same time, of course. There are fire codes, and laws of physics.

Most people have 32 teeth. Most humans at a Greyhound bus station have 6. It's simple meth.

There are lots of people with less than 500 followers with genius timelines. Find them. RT them. Makes this place better.

Just saw a black guy with a cowboy hat in a Volkswagen Golf. Your move, Loch Ness Monster

Gyms are full of people that haven't found the right couch.

Ben Franklin ties a key to a kite, and he's a hero. I duct tape a kitten to a stop sign, and I'm an asshole? Really, History?

Neighbor's cat has brought a dead bird, a snake, and a mouse to my doorstep. It's wasting its time until I see the head of John Mayer.

Taco Bell doesn't have a playground, because kids that eat Taco Bell can't climb, or run.

I just checked my AOL mail for the first time in 17 years, and yes Dave, I'll go see Braveheart with you.

Don't you hate it when you craft a great tweet that's so funny that no one stars it due to the tears of laughter filling their eyes?

Safe to say that after 79 dogs in 8 years, I'm a huge dog fan. Mysterious creatures. They live such short lives, and eat SO much chocolate!

Being a doctor was awesome a thousand years ago. Back ache? Drill a hole in your head, let the demon out. Headache? Drill. Fever? Drill.

Surely other people make the throat slash gesture at screaming brats when their parents look away.