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If Batman doesn't wear underwear with my picture all over them, then this relationship is as one-sided as I feared.
Your pants say yoga, but your ass says pizza.
The death of Kim Kardashian's cat is headlining yahoo, if you wondered why bills are passed without us knowing.
If I win the lottery tonight, I'm going to fill my car all the way up with gas.
"Luke, I reckon I'm your Pa" - Garth Vader
My rap name is Li'l Urethra cuz my flow is weak.
Safe to say that after 79 dogs in 8 years, I'm a huge dog fan. Mysterious creatures. They live such short lives, and eat SO much chocolate!
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
I found a FRUITY Pebble in my box of COCOA Pebbles!! I rescued it, nurtured it, and named it RuPaul.
Kelly Clarkson, and Adele walk into a bar.
Not at the same time, of course. There are fire codes, and laws of physics.
Most people have 32 teeth. Most humans at a Greyhound bus station have 6. It's simple meth.
Gyms are full of people that haven't found the right couch.
I just checked my AOL mail for the first time in 17 years, and yes Dave, I'll go see Braveheart with you.
Being a doctor was awesome a thousand years ago. Back ache? Drill a hole in your head, let the demon out. Headache? Drill. Fever? Drill.
Just saw a black guy with a cowboy hat in a Volkswagen Golf. Your move, Loch Ness Monster
Ben Franklin ties a key to a kite, and he's a hero. I duct tape a kitten to a stop sign, and I'm an asshole? Really, History?
Taco Bell doesn't have a playground, because kids that eat Taco Bell can't climb, or run.
Neighbor's cat has brought a dead bird, a snake, and a mouse to my doorstep. It's wasting its time until I see the head of John Mayer.
Don't you hate it when you craft a great tweet that's so funny that no one stars it due to the tears of laughter filling their eyes?
Host of Sexy Truck Stop Showers on the FUZZ Network. I sit to pee from 8pm - 8am.
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