If I was a sex toy shop employee I would say "The wand chooses the wizard, Mr. Potter" every time I sold a dildo.

You guys are the sweetest, most nurturing group of drug addicted psychopathic narcissistic sexual deviants I have ever known.

I started reading this thing called a book and it seems like it goes on and on for like 50,000 tweets.

The irony of having followers is that we're all going nowhere.

Things I learned today:

1) Girl's have a separate peehole.

2) Vaginas are fucking weird.

3) I still like vaginas.

I retweeted you without following because I've seen your other work and I can't make that kind of commitment right now.

I find that the best way to a woman's heart is through her neurotic insecurities.

"Whore" is such an ugly word, I prefer "friends with everybody".

Just so women know decent guys do exist, we just don't look very good.

It's like my wife doesn't understand how distracting it is when she's cleaning and I'm trying to do nothing.

Twitter: because I'd rather tell a few hundred strangers why I'm so fucked up than one therapist who can say "Oh fuck, really?" to my face.

Attention People who complain when a funny Tweeter has a shitty run,
Fuck you so hard. We do this shit every goddamn day for fun and free.

A rabbi, a priest and an atheist walk into a bar. They sit down and share a pleasant drink and conversation because this is 2012.

My favorite game is when my wife is feeling irritable and I put my hand on her boob and move it and she slaps her boob.

While you're in a closet asking another human being to absolve you in God's name I'll be out here taking responsibility for my actions.

You make me want to make a decision I'll regret for the rest of my life.

I forgot that my one friend was a vegan because he went a whole conversation without mentioning it.

At some point this timeline will be Exhibit A.

Want to piss off a woman?


Exist.

I love you guys, but I hope that I raise my children in such a way that they are never remotely close to popular on Twitter.