Holding this phone close enough to the wall outlet totally deserves its own yoga pose name.

These Miami Dolphins don't even look aquatic at all...they look like they're...people...

Gross.

I never believe anything about the weather until that ugly chick I went to high school with posts it on facebook.

I LIKE WHEN YOU TYPE LIKE THIS BUT NOT ALL THE TIME JUST EVERY NOW AND THEN LIKE THE BUTTSEX

If @harbingerr became a zombie, I'd kill the rest of you assholes to feed her.

Kicked a lady at Kmart trying to steal a soccer ball under her blouse. She cried and kept saying I killed her baby. Fucking soccer weirdo.

Hey, teenager...You look stupid and your music sucks. Don't worry, you can steal this line in like, 8 years.

The thing about self respect is, you don't have any.

I'll never know if my family stares at me uncomfortably because I'm an alcoholic with a criminal record or because I'm so fucking adorable.

Gonna talk Nana into doing backing vokills for my 4 song demo. Kvlt fucking Nana.

The bible says Jesus hates fags. It doesn't say shit about homosexuals. Xians are dumb.

I just realized that Arby's is probably called that because RB stands for roast beef. I'm 35.

spiderman thinks he's so cool but i bet he can't shoot webs in space haha yeah that's right spiderman GRAVITY

Know what's fun about knowing that nobody makes it out of life alive?

Everything.

Life does not accommodate for your ignorance.

I used to play dubstep back when I was 5 years old on my electric piano back when it was called "GET THE FUCK OFF OF THE PIANO!"

I once pushed someone down a flight of stairs because they asked “What’s National Lampoons Christmas Vacation?”.

I did a sit up today. (don’t judge it was a total accident)

How does one outrun Forrest Gump? Just ask @seanvandaleyes and his "magic shoes that'll take him anywhere!" pic.twitter.com/JdydnKNE

Really depressing when innocent kids run out in front of my vehicle and my brakes don't fail. :(