Ugh I always get A Bug's Life and Human Centipede confused anyways sorry I ruined your kid's birthday

Don't cry because it's over, smile because you lit your ex's house on fire

THIS IS A TWEET FOR THE BROS: How many bats are suppose to be in my man cave? I got like 10 and they're destroying everything

It's weird how on the first day of April every year my dad sends me a text saying "I love u son lol"

The fourth wise man brought socks and Mary was like "…socks? You're not gonna be in the story gtfo"

How come when Enrique Iglesias is all "i can be ur hero baby" he gets babes, but when i say it i get pepper sprayed in an Arby's parking lot

Just saw a man biting his string cheese instead of peeling it and I was like "there are children here, you monster"

Flavor Flav whispering to himself "fuckin' hate daylight saving time" as he changes his 300th clock necklace

Ugh. So embarrassing. We're the only family in this church dressed up as bunnies

Kendrick Lamar's Thanksgiving Dinner Speech:
The Lord
THANK
My Family
THANK
This Meal
THANK
My Hit Single
DRANK
Haha But Forreal
THANK

I Beyonce was Beylost, but now I'm Beyfound

Why can't giraffes swing their necks around like really fast and make the raddest helicopters

Home Alone 5: We Forgot About Dre

Ok, I've snapped my fingers. Now what... I do my step?? I CAN'T DO THIS ALL BY MYSELF

damn señorita u put the loca in holocaust haha wait babe where u going

Wow mom u got Hi-C and not Capri Sun? DO YOU WANT EVERYONE IN SCHOOL TO HATE ME? YOU DO DONT YOU

Sir do you know how fast you were going on this 35 MPH speed limit road? 69 MPH. You are the raddest dude alive pls take my badge and gun

Jesus has risen? In this economy?

Accidentally bought heart-shaped roofies thinking they were candy hearts. My date is just laying there what do I do, should I make a move

I want a DJ Tanner in the streets, and a Kimmy Gibbler in the sheets