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Ugh I always get A Bug's Life and Human Centipede confused anyways sorry I ruined your kid's birthday
THIS IS A TWEET FOR THE BROS: How many bats are suppose to be in my man cave? I got like 10 and they're destroying everything
Don't cry because it's over, smile because you lit your ex's house on fire
Me at 11:59pm: sup I haven't showered since last year
Me at 12am: wait FUCK CAN I SAY THE JOKE AGAIN DONT GO
It's weird how on the first day of April every year my dad sends me a text saying "I love u son lol"
The fourth wise man brought socks and Mary was like "…socks? You're not gonna be in the story gtfo"
Just saw a man biting his string cheese instead of peeling it and I was like "there are children here, you monster"
How come when Enrique Iglesias is all "i can be ur hero baby" he gets babes, but when i say it i get pepper sprayed in an Arby's parking lot
Kendrick Lamar's Thanksgiving Dinner Speech:
My Hit Single
Haha But Forreal
Ugh. So embarrassing. We're the only family in this church dressed up as bunnies
Flavor Flav whispering to himself "fuckin' hate daylight saving time" as he changes his 300th clock necklace
Why can't giraffes swing their necks around like really fast and make the raddest helicopters
damn señorita u put the loca in holocaust haha wait babe where u going
1. Go to Starbucks
2. Tell them your name is Versace
4. Barista calls your name many times
5. Barista is Drake
6. why did u do this
I Beyonce was Beylost, but now I'm Beyfound
Home Alone 5: We Forgot About Dre
Ok, I've snapped my fingers. Now what... I do my step?? I CAN'T DO THIS ALL BY MYSELF