I would rather you scrape your nails across a chalkboard instead of reading your powerpoint slides to me

How do people without dogs manage? Who is outside their bathroom door waiting on them each time?

I seldom see people on mopeds with good posture

Is there a delicate way to eat powdered donuts? If so I haven't found it. Gonna keep trying tho

160 new tweets in less than an hour?? Come on guys! Slow down. Or I am never going to get any work done.

I like to serve my subtlety with a brick

It says that Charmin is similar to me. Ouch! Point taken Twitter. Point taken.

If you are someone that believes I will regret my tattoos then you aren't someone I want to be around anyway.

Lack of married sex might be karma for all the single sex

Wow! Some of you are angry, really angry. So angry I think you should just turn green and get it over with.

Dear Football players dressed as fairies PLEASE STOP IT! Sincerely, me

Hubs: what do you want to do? Me: take a shower fuck for 3 or 4 hours and then go to sleep. Hubs: ... turns on Law and Order. (True story)

I could give the Lockhorns' cartoonist a boatload of stories if he needs them. Or Andy Capp's creator....

Someone got mad at me today for ruining War Horse for them. Should I tell them that one of the Transformers die also?

I used to party with people who never ran out of alcohol or drugs. Of course, some of them are dead now... so.... lesson learned

Posted on FB that my dog died. Within 15 minutes at least 3 people were praying for me. Felt a little patronized.

"Open pc lab at 4 in afternoon, sure I'll watch porn, maybe masturbate. Why not? I like an audience." -people I encounter at work

One good thing about people spaying and neutering their pets is that I see a lot less dogs fucking in public than I used to.

Is it cheating if you grope a guy that isn't your husband? Asking for low-sexed wives everywhere.

Asked hubs how long he thought it would be before someone sued Netflix for them being a couch potato..... He going to see a lawyer tomorrow.