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  • semperabsurda
      Housewife @semperabsurda

    Twitter makes it really easy to track my mood swings.

    • 233
    • FAVS
    CoopFoggapodixisjonslowjcgreentpurvis06grumblecuntAislynn2xgypsy_27
    • 75
    • RETWEETS
    tpurvis06kstromquistTiaLuciaTheDailySchmucklolamaeakers______Quityerbitchen____scooterpimp72LaniBeno
    nerdamageDukeOfOyl________
  • semperabsurda
      Housewife @semperabsurda

    My jackass middle-aged husband just bought a drum set. His balding best friend wants to come over to "jam." Jealous yet?

    • 167
    • FAVS
    apodixisBabetteJonesQuityerbitchen____hoopahoepLaredo8307blanket_slugSenatorTheoHumor_Fetish
    • 22
    • RETWEETS
    Laredo8307sarakelly1601Bulldog0613SenatorTheoJaySaysStuffnacho_frend______colnickfury______ahardenbrook
    calluptome
  • semperabsurda
      Housewife @semperabsurda

    Probably should take a break from here for a while... I just tried to refresh my TV remote.

    • 131
    • FAVS
    CoopFoggapodixisQuityerbitchen____brnidgrl99Humor_FetishJaySaysStuffToy_A101wickedcrickett
    • 16
    • RETWEETS
    JaySaysStuffLaniBenoNitapinkjumpdasharkEl_nacho_NigreSirrruhfavstar1000favsFuzzyPimple
  • semperabsurda
      Housewife @semperabsurda

    If you eat a donut with a knife & fork, I will punch you in the cunt.

    • 88
    • FAVS
    CroweJamCoopFoggjcgreenwickedcrickettLaniBenoShipInTheKnightFeliciovsnacho_frend______
    • 23
    • RETWEETS
    LaniBenoMichaelZiegler7__yousaidiheardPrettykittyprobProfNutcasenoirekachloe_jetdoll____ExcuseMyTweets
  • semperabsurda
      Housewife @semperabsurda

    Just caught myself lecturing my kids, and they're not even home.

    • 91
    • FAVS
    CoopFoggapodixisjonslowQuityerbitchen____ShipInTheKnightYour_Boy_DylanDonotthinkthis____RowanElHossary
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    jumpdasharkcolnickfury______rohaldeaKaalikaFuzzyPimpleiPretendTeachredpawn3Favstar500Favs
  • semperabsurda
      Housewife @semperabsurda

    Running errands with my 22 month is like running errands with a STRONG, human-sized angry lobster that screams.

    • 81
    • FAVS
    CoopFoggapodixisjonslowjcgreenaugtopiaZen_Bubbameaculpau27radtoria__________
    • 16
    • RETWEETS
    Gem_BelleaugtopiaEdwinaCrumpleEl_nacho_NigreBabetteJonesblondetigressnc__Quityerbitchen____colnickfury______
    Stella1070
  • semperabsurda
      Housewife @semperabsurda

    I used to look like Brooke Shields. Now I look like Gary Busey.

    • 83
    • FAVS
    Quityerbitchen____ShoutingGoddessShipInTheKnightSJfromKCYour_Boy_DylanUrbanDouchebagFeliciovsnacho_frend______
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    jumpdasharkcolnickfury______fortuitouslifeFavstar500Favsredpawn3Token_Bloke______DukeOfOyl________
  • semperabsurda
      Housewife @semperabsurda

    My 19 mo old is sticking a spoon into my wineglass & feeding it to me while saying, "Mmmm." He is my new favorite.

    • 79
    • FAVS
    apodixisBabetteJonesQuityerbitchen____The_Dorkster______MiActually________hotmessaftrdark__sblmnl_crmnlDIDUSAYCHEESE
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    EdwinaCrumplejayne_tyrrellLauraBellingerShoutingGoddessFavstar500FavsSaraESpivey
  • semperabsurda
      Housewife @semperabsurda

    When we first met, I used 2 listen 2 my husb talk w rapt attention. Now I pretend I'm dead with my tongue hanging out but he won't shut up!

    • 72
    • FAVS
    jonslowQuityerbitchen____ShoutingGoddessShipInTheKnightFeliciovsVerifiedBakchodJayElem00Sirrruh
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    JayElem00colnickfury______Favstar500FavsHabopi____________redpawn3meaculpau27
    redpawn3
  • semperabsurda
      Housewife @semperabsurda

    Isn't marriage supposed to be full of sex??? I believed the hype... Fuck me. No really, please fuck me.

    • 60
    • FAVS
    afamargonautShipInTheKnightFeliciovsVerifiedBakchodTwistedAndTornJayElem00Mr__Grapebriangaar
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    SirrruhFavstar_NSFWBumpyRIde_Comebackhead______Lezbatron_17BANGpeedyHellspawnKittieShoutingGoddess
  • semperabsurda
      Housewife @semperabsurda

    You ca-...you...yu.. ca-... you can't... CAN'T... No...n.no...You ca-... you can't... ca-... l-leave me... N..no... Kristen Stewart as Bella

    • 45
    • FAVS
    FeliciovsWTF_RTsextraclassycat__VerifiedBakchodCynner777SthrnSunShynJayElem00Mr__Grape
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    SthrnSunShynJayElem00BecauseItsMeOfcsquirrelsnnutsSirrruhMizzFayjesssicafe________CrazedinNYC______
  • semperabsurda
      Housewife @semperabsurda

    I'm not a homemaker. I'm a homedothebareminimumer.

    • 49
    • FAVS
    apodixisShipInTheKnightFeliciovsVerifiedBakchodJayElem00SirrruhFarFromFunnyFuzzyPimple
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    MytwoscentzmellimelleIvoryMerope_eatshit__________meaculpau27LactatinLithium__ginger_ish
  • semperabsurda
      Housewife @semperabsurda

    Don't plagiarize.Talk about housework, the Dewey decimal system, kitty litter.Anything's better than taking credit for someone else's words.

    • 43
    • FAVS
    apodixisjonslowQuityerbitchen____FeliciovsVerifiedBakchodTwistedAndTornJayElem00fortuitouslife
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    Stella1070ok_get_seriousMichaelZiegler7__jumpdasharkKiss_MyAssetsUnFitzEl_nacho_Nigreskullcatsmoved____
  • semperabsurda
      Housewife @semperabsurda

    Damn! I'm so naive! Did the song "Magic Carpet Ride" mean he wanted to fuck her on the floor?

    • 48
    • FAVS
    jonslowmurderbytweets____ShipInTheKnightFeliciovsVerifiedBakchodJayElem00SirrruhFuzzyPimple
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    RichCurtinShipInTheKnightKritzwit
  • semperabsurda
      Housewife @semperabsurda

    Phone just autocorrected "love" to "livid." It must be a married phone.

    • 36
    • FAVS
    afamargonautQuityerbitchen____ShipInTheKnightjumpdasharkFeliciovsVerifiedBakchodJayElem00grammar_cunt
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    Sirrruhkevinrowe1favstar_popdaydreamymamaamyetoddkerstinauermonstabrat________Lies4Free
  • semperabsurda
      Housewife @semperabsurda

    I'm not fat, I'm enlarged to show detail.

    • 37
    • FAVS
    apodixisjonslowQuityerbitchen____ShipInTheKnightjumpdasharkFeliciovsPulse_NYCmadmaxrerisen
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    merryjenlvVioletThunkJacquieFreakHiHighHigherDesperate_LosergmossiiEl_nacho_Nigresimplycarol49
  • semperabsurda
      Housewife @semperabsurda

    How many years do u have to breastfeed until your bazoozoos are no longer considered secondary sex characteristics? Nat Geo has no answers.

    • 43
    • FAVS
    FeliciovsVerifiedBakchodJayElem00SirrruhFuzzyPimpleGherkJerk________BoomBamBunnyok_get_serious
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    SirrruhWTF_RTsKleetasm__________
  • semperabsurda
      Housewife @semperabsurda

    I'm sorry, really I am. Solidarity to my sisters and all.. But it is so sad when a female's entire persona is just an advertisement for sex.

    • 43
    • FAVS
    apodixisQuityerbitchen____ShipInTheKnightFeliciovsVerifiedBakchodTwistedAndTornJayElem00Sirrruh
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    TwistedAndTornmeaculpau27
  • semperabsurda
      Housewife @semperabsurda

    I just stepped down on a Lego so hard, I think I caught cancer.

    • 37
    • FAVS
    apodixisQuityerbitchen____StevisShitticusJayElem00FuzzyPimpleDalyaElMaghrabytchastingsStella1070
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    WTF_RTschuckitonfilmo5HeyErick107MissDeWordeGeneralGrevious
  • semperabsurda
      Housewife @semperabsurda

    A luncheon of chicken nuggets, mac n cheese & apple juice is reason enough to have kids...

    • 42
    • FAVS
    jonslowFeliciovsTwistedAndTornJayElem00SirrruhFuzzyPimpleStella1070BoomBamBunny
@semperabsurda

@semperabsurda

Life is a long lesson in humility. -JMB