Twitter makes it really easy to track my mood swings.

My jackass middle-aged husband just bought a drum set. His balding best friend wants to come over to "jam." Jealous yet?

Probably should take a break from here for a while... I just tried to refresh my TV remote.

If you eat a donut with a knife & fork, I will punch you in the cunt.

Just caught myself lecturing my kids, and they're not even home.

Running errands with my 22 month is like running errands with a STRONG, human-sized angry lobster that screams.

I used to look like Brooke Shields. Now I look like Gary Busey.

My 19 mo old is sticking a spoon into my wineglass & feeding it to me while saying, "Mmmm." He is my new favorite.

When we first met, I used 2 listen 2 my husb talk w rapt attention. Now I pretend I'm dead with my tongue hanging out but he won't shut up!

Isn't marriage supposed to be full of sex??? I believed the hype... Fuck me. No really, please fuck me.

You ca-...you...yu.. ca-... you can't... CAN'T... No...n.no...You ca-... you can't... ca-... l-leave me... N..no... Kristen Stewart as Bella

I'm not a homemaker. I'm a homedothebareminimumer.

Don't plagiarize.Talk about housework, the Dewey decimal system, kitty litter.Anything's better than taking credit for someone else's words.

Damn! I'm so naive! Did the song "Magic Carpet Ride" mean he wanted to fuck her on the floor?

Phone just autocorrected "love" to "livid." It must be a married phone.

I'm not fat, I'm enlarged to show detail.

How many years do u have to breastfeed until your bazoozoos are no longer considered secondary sex characteristics? Nat Geo has no answers.

I'm sorry, really I am. Solidarity to my sisters and all.. But it is so sad when a female's entire persona is just an advertisement for sex.

I just stepped down on a Lego so hard, I think I caught cancer.

A luncheon of chicken nuggets, mac n cheese & apple juice is reason enough to have kids...