Its amazing how much motivation one can get from little gold stars. It worked as kids. It works on Twitter. Employers should try it.

This whole Twitter culture is just encouraging the next generation of stalkers.

If a colleague asks if you've seen his misplaced rectal thermometer, DO NOT stare quizically at the oral thermometer in the patient's mouth.

When writing about illegal activities, always include the phrase "or so I've heard."

Trust me.

: <-- This is a colon.

. <-- This SHOULD be a semi-colon since it's a half colon.

; <-- This SHOULD be a mega-colon since it's a bit more.

My spirit animal is a tomato.

What? I'm a vegetarian.

You know you've made it in life when your Twitter account needs to have a Verified Account badge. That, and you have an entry on Wikipedia.

This morning my mom asked me why my follower count went down.

::Sigh::

I wish I made this up.

Courts will no longer utilize character witnesses. Instead, they will just look at which tweets we have starred.

Guys, we're all screwed.

When unsubscribing from a mailing list I like to answer the "Why?" questionnaire with: "It's not you, it's me."

"Now you can have your cake and eat it too."

Can we stop giving out cake to people who don't know how to do both? Let's not be wasteful.

According to DSM-IV, Anorexia requires body weight below 85% of ideal.

It appears my body has a natural immunity to this disease.

I'm pretty sure that when Boyz II Men wrote, "It'a so Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday," it wasn't on a Tuesday.

Took a month for my 1st 10 star tweet to get 10 stars. My 2nd took 5 days. Either I'm getting wittier or you all are lowering your standards

Pro Tip: when in a public restroom, no matter how good the music is, DO NOT start tapping your foot.

I just found out that as part of my ongoing Supportive Therapy my Online Therapist has been starring my tweets.

It showed up on my bill.

When in doubt, a drug's side effects include nausea, diarrhea, & vomiting.

These pharmaceutical companies really need to get more creative.

Twitter is the perfect venue for aspiring writers with ADHD. Most people can stay focused for 140--

Ok, where did I put my markers?

Does this highlighter ink bleeding through my pants pocket make me look smarter?

I snicker to myself a I read these misprlled tweets that have so many stats.

Tweeting on phones has never been so accuraye.