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  • semperjeff
      Jeff W @semperjeff

    Its amazing how much motivation one can get from little gold stars. It worked as kids. It works on Twitter. Employers should try it.

    • 150
    • FAVS
    wesjohnson8TheLastVirgoFredPollackfoodandwhiningaryuserius________SprinkleCrystalMissing_Alorlorlori________
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    timmax69Philoshere________urbanprojectz
  • semperjeff
      Jeff W @semperjeff

    This whole Twitter culture is just encouraging the next generation of stalkers.

    • 101
    • FAVS
    FredPollackMisterPranksterMissing_AdannydogmouthCroweJamjkrambleslorlorlori________renatargda
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    favstar1000favs
  • semperjeff
      Jeff W @semperjeff

    If a colleague asks if you've seen his misplaced rectal thermometer, DO NOT stare quizically at the oral thermometer in the patient's mouth.

    • 86
    • FAVS
    FredPollackLorrax710aryuserius________Spawn_of_ChaosMissing_Adannydogmouthdevilissix________renatargda
  • semperjeff
      Jeff W @semperjeff

    When writing about illegal activities, always include the phrase "or so I've heard."

    Trust me.

    • 82
    • FAVS
    aryuserius________SeeTuesdaydannydogmouthTotalNewsTrackSet_Menujpatticakejkramblesdevilissix________
  • semperjeff
      Jeff W @semperjeff

    : <-- This is a colon.

    . <-- This SHOULD be a semi-colon since it's a half colon.

    ; <-- This SHOULD be a mega-colon since it's a bit more.

    • 74
    • FAVS
    aryuserius________meganshpettitSeeTuesdaydannydogmouthlaaahhhrelrenatargdaSuMacDankennyhcomedy
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    LOLGASMS__________
  • semperjeff
      Jeff W @semperjeff

    My spirit animal is a tomato.

    What? I'm a vegetarian.

    • 65
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthjkramblesFay_Crawforddevilissix________renatargdaSuMacDankennyhcomedykatymcewien
  • semperjeff
      Jeff W @semperjeff

    You know you've made it in life when your Twitter account needs to have a Verified Account badge. That, and you have an entry on Wikipedia.

    • 64
    • FAVS
    davio1962dannydogmouthSet_MenurenatargdaSuMacDankennyhcomedyTwitchingDoubt____Retweet__Bot______
  • semperjeff
      Jeff W @semperjeff

    This morning my mom asked me why my follower count went down.

    ::Sigh::

    I wish I made this up.

    • 57
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthSet_Menudevilissix________renatargdaSuMacDankennyhcomedyvioletsiva________santhonythomas
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Favstar500Favs
  • semperjeff
      Jeff W @semperjeff

    Courts will no longer utilize character witnesses. Instead, they will just look at which tweets we have starred.

    Guys, we're all screwed.

    • 57
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthdevilissix________renatargdaSuMacDanwinejohiTwitDeeDum________katymcewienTwitchingDoubt____
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Favstar500Favs
  • semperjeff
      Jeff W @semperjeff

    When unsubscribing from a mailing list I like to answer the "Why?" questionnaire with: "It's not you, it's me."

    • 54
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthwinejohiSuMacDanSargeLLCkennyhcomedyvioletsiva________derekasaurusomgitsleesa__________
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavstheURBAN_monkey
  • semperjeff
      Jeff W @semperjeff

    "Now you can have your cake and eat it too."

    Can we stop giving out cake to people who don't know how to do both? Let's not be wasteful.

    • 48
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthmikeym00ndevilissix________renatargdaSuMacDankennyhcomedyRetweet__Bot______xtfrd
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    SinfullySarah
  • semperjeff
      Jeff W @semperjeff

    According to DSM-IV, Anorexia requires body weight below 85% of ideal.

    It appears my body has a natural immunity to this disease.

    • 48
    • FAVS
    meganshpettitEverydayTrishdannydogmouthrenatargdaSuMacDanwinejohikennyhcomedyRetweet__Bot______
  • semperjeff
      Jeff W @semperjeff

    I'm pretty sure that when Boyz II Men wrote, "It'a so Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday," it wasn't on a Tuesday.

    • 46
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthrenatargdaSuMacDanwinejohikennyhcomedyRetweet__Bot______LawSchoolBlonde__piercedbrat
  • semperjeff
      Jeff W @semperjeff

    Took a month for my 1st 10 star tweet to get 10 stars. My 2nd took 5 days. Either I'm getting wittier or you all are lowering your standards

    • 46
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthSet_MenurenatargdaSuMacDankennyhcomedyPippa_Luv________Retweet__Bot______LawSchoolBlonde__
  • semperjeff
      Jeff W @semperjeff

    Pro Tip: when in a public restroom, no matter how good the music is, DO NOT start tapping your foot.

    • 43
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthdevilissix________SuMacDankennyhcomedyvioletsiva________Retweet__Bot______Donnamite1theJoeBiz
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    SinfullySarahDonnamite1
  • semperjeff
      Jeff W @semperjeff

    I just found out that as part of my ongoing Supportive Therapy my Online Therapist has been starring my tweets.

    It showed up on my bill.

    • 42
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthrenatargdaSuMacDanwinejohikennyhcomedyRetweet__Bot______theJoeBizCandyCrisis
  • semperjeff
      Jeff W @semperjeff

    When in doubt, a drug's side effects include nausea, diarrhea, & vomiting.

    These pharmaceutical companies really need to get more creative.

    • 41
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthSuMacDankennyhcomedyRetweet__Bot______theJoeBizCandyCrisisshiraselkodoitforchris
  • semperjeff
      Jeff W @semperjeff

    Twitter is the perfect venue for aspiring writers with ADHD. Most people can stay focused for 140--

    Ok, where did I put my markers?

    • 37
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthrenatargdaSuMacDanwinejohikennyhcomedykatymcewienRetweet__Bot______CandyCrisis
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    OneChattyBrat____SinfullySarah
  • semperjeff
      Jeff W @semperjeff

    Does this highlighter ink bleeding through my pants pocket make me look smarter?

    • 38
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthdevilissix________renatargdaSuMacDankennyhcomedyRetweet__Bot______LawSchoolBlonde__theJoeBiz
  • semperjeff
      Jeff W @semperjeff

    I snicker to myself a I read these misprlled tweets that have so many stats.

    Tweeting on phones has never been so accuraye.

    • 36
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthSuMacDanwinejohikennyhcomedyRetweet__Bot______theJoeBizDavidsAlterEgoSnarkToast
@semperjeff

@semperjeff

Resident Physician | Photographer | Writer | Blogger | Laker Fan | Technophile | KIK: semperjeff