My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

I wish Fox News was just news about foxes.

I wish we didn't need darkness to expose the light of humanity.

Barnes: Let’s do drugs and kiss.

Noble: Dude, what? Let’s sell books.

Barnes: Yea okay. That’s a better idea.

HEY DON'T BE SCARED OF US EVEN THOUGH OUR MOUTHS ARE KNIVES. - birds

My mom likes to play a version of 20 Questions called 500 Really Stupid Questions.

I don't mean to be a dick but *fills with blood, hardens, ejaculates everywhere*

I'm going to make some girl Really happy one day until I stop liking her and start phasing her out in a passive aggressive manner.

I used to always ask my mom for things & she'd say "what's the magic word" and I'd say "abracadabra" and she'd say "you're why dad left."

Sorry I ate that corndog so slowly at your niece's piano recital.

It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. I've learned to hate fun because I want a super buff face.

Eating fruity pebbles alone in bed, mouth agape, mumbling I'm a cereal killa. This isn't helping me make friends.

I have an on again off again relationship with clothing.

Pot bellied pigs are gateway pigs to cocaine bellied pigs.

If you see a homeless couple making out, don't tell them to get a room. That's insensitive.

Roses are red, violets are red, I am colorblind, let's have intercourse.

My plan to impress sexy ladies with big words has backfired egregiously.

I think I love you / so what am I so afraid of / i'm afraid of hairy spiders / and robots that shoot lasers.

You lose 100% of the knife fights you don't start.

We-are-faaaamily. I've got all my genetically inherited anxiety & depression with me.