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Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun's mass.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room."
A bigot, a hypocrite and a Christian walk into a bar...
...and he orders a drink.
What Meatloaf would do for love:
Dad: This economy...we're all screwed.
Me: Tell me something I don't know.
Dad: Your mam's ass can take my whole fist.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your 'child'.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
The first rule of Conspiracy Club is:
You do not ██ ████ ██████ ████ or ██ ████ about Conspiracy Club
There are trees that are 6000 years old. And some people think the Earth is less than 6000 years old.
This blows my fucking mind.
I've just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library.
Some fucker's taken the appendix out.
An Irishman walks out of a bar...
Woah, woah, woah...women bleed from their vagina?
Does everyone know about this?
Justin Bieber has 27 million followers.
Just in case you were wondering how many cunts there are in the world.
I like my women like I like my tweets; displaying the correct use of grammar.
You don't become an atheist.
You go back to being one.
Lance Armstrong: drug pedaler?
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
An enigma. If it takes a man a week to walk a fortnight, how many apples in a barrel of grapes?