I'd be calmer defusing a bomb after four Red Bulls than watching someone else use my laptop.

This girls skirt is so short I can see how many times her dad missed a dance recital from here.

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And polio. And people finding out I married my cousin." - Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Old people will study the shit out of a receipt.

My two favorite long novels are "Don Quixote" and "The Menu from The Cheesecake Factory."

A bird just crapped on my chest like he was my freaking boyfriend or something!

So do you just get like assigned a husband when you turn 30 or do I have to contact someone or something?

I wonder if Abe Froman ever made it to lunch.

Deleting an @ reply when the other person doesn't write back is the "I wasn't waving at you, I'm just scratching my head" of Twitter.

"DONE!" - Color blind person solving a Rubik's Cube

For a lady who's 46, Sarah Palin doesn't look a day over completely retarded.

My biggest nightmare? Having Jodie Foster lean in from behind to whisper "wait til you see my dick" in my ear.

After 15 years of deep thinking, I agree with Ross that they were on a break.

My "Honk If You're Horny" bumper sticker only seems to work if I slam on the brakes for no reason.

If someone asks why you never add your location to your tweets, it's probably a good idea to never add your location to your tweets.

There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from Hawaii.

Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.

If my new boss talked to my ex-bosses, they'd realize that I've had 7 grandmas die.

I can't afford health insurance. RT @kimkardashian Had a late night chiropractor apt then massage. Can't wait to sleep in tomorrow!

God made buttholes so Christian girls could think they were preserving their virginity.