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I'd be calmer defusing a bomb after four Red Bulls than watching someone else use my laptop.
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And polio. And people finding out I married my cousin." - Franklin Delano Roosevelt
This girls skirt is so short I can see how many times her dad missed a dance recital from here.
Old people will study the shit out of a receipt.
A bird just crapped on my chest like he was my freaking boyfriend or something!
My two favorite long novels are "Don Quixote" and "The Menu from The Cheesecake Factory."
If someone asks why you never add your location to your tweets, it's probably a good idea to never add your location to your tweets.
"DONE!" - Color blind person solving a Rubik's Cube
My "Honk If You're Horny" bumper sticker only seems to work if I slam on the brakes for no reason.
I wonder if Abe Froman ever made it to lunch.
Deleting an @ reply when the other person doesn't write back is the "I wasn't waving at you, I'm just scratching my head" of Twitter.
God made buttholes so Christian girls could think they were preserving their virginity.
So do you just get like assigned a husband when you turn 30 or do I have to contact someone or something?
If my new boss talked to my ex-bosses, they'd realize that I've had 7 grandmas die.
There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from Hawaii.
♫ If you're telekinetic and you know it clap my hands ♫
While at the gym, a lady said she marvels over how much I swim every day. I told her a mile is nothing; I'm Cuban.
My biggest nightmare? Having Jodie Foster lean in from behind to whisper "wait til you see my dick" in my ear.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
A yield sign is just a mumbling stop sign.
Makeup Artist and TV workerer. whichever pays first. (when i dip you dip we dip)