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I've learned that choosing a partner in life means finding the person who's faults & stupidity you can live with the longest
People who spell "Sweetie" as "sweety" really creep me the fuck out. Learn to spell.
A vasectomy means never having to say youre sorry
Mama never told me there'd be days like this. She also told me not to come. #mamafail
I stare blankly at you when you talk because I really don't give a fuck about what you're saying. #blahblahblah
I think people on Facebook lie. There's no way all those people have things to do every day.
Cat keeps meowing for me to turn kitchen faucet on. Uh. HELL NO! Go drink outta the toilet like the other animals do!
Hearing that his older sister started her period this a.m, my friend's 4 yr old son remarked "O no, she'll be mean now!"
I really wish this fucking fan would quit making this fucking knocking noise before I knock it out of the ceiling...
The worst part about being a single parent is being the only parent the kids nag every.single. damn.day. about. stupid.shit
I don't understand judgmental people. Why do they always think they are right & others are either liars or wrong?
Watching 3 men hook up gas to the fireplace. I hope I'm alive to see the end result. Unless the end result is a big BOOM
Maybe i should start going to church on Sunday mornings so I can get more sleep
Garage door installer dude just turned on his country music...I'm going to have to kill him and bury him next door now.
I'd give my left labia lip for a xanax right now
I never found any chocolate, but I did find the last Coke buried in the back of the refridgerator...
Your breath tells me that you're one of those people who think dingle berries are a natural fruit
Wishing life wasn't so dull that I could Tweet again. I miss being a Twitterer instead of just a boring Twit
<Insert funny, rolling on the floor laughing, peeing your pants, tweet here>
Sinking right side up right side down
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