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Ignore this tweet. I ran into a friend from high-school and he thinks i'm saving his number
When a dog barks in the middle of the night and all the other dogs bark after him together, i feel like they are planning to take over
Life Tip #278: For the next 30 days make all major decisions in your life with a coin toss.
The best thing about being married is that on any given day you have the power to make someone absolutely miserable.
Tequila is the liquid form of "fuck it."