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GOP strategy: refuse to kick a field goal because it's not a touchdown, lose by two points, blame the fans, burn down the stadium.
Well, I got eliminated in the first round of the Food Network show "Don't Masturbate Into the Food!"
Chud·ly (adj.) : in the manner of a CHUD : "With a chudly flourish, he horked down another hobo head."
2013 will be the year I finally stop thinking that line in "Hungry Like the Wolf" is "I'm lost and I'm found / I smell like I sound."
A Simpsons tattoo didn't seem devotional enough for my level of fandom, so I opted for this instead. pic.twitter.com/w1FncfdNbn
Due to a clerical error by the Make-A-Wish people, I'm spending the day with Bruce Springstein, a subcontractor from Akron. We're grouting.
"Books are the treasured wealth of the world and the fit inheritance of generations and nations." -Henry David Thoreau http://t.co/cEweKaHE
When you're a Jet you're a Jet all the way. When you're a Shark you're a Shark for a week.
Do something nice for someone today. Actually, make it two people, you selfish peen.
It's going to be a great two weeks of watching the world's greatest athletes being made fun of by unemployed cockbags on Twitter.
Reminder: Using Twitter to make fun of people who are doing something with their lives doesn't count as doing something with your life.
I don't normally like to brag about my superpowers, but... I could disappear for months, and no one would even notice.
For young people wondering what the Dave Matthews Band is, imagine Jack Johnson having sex with all of the instruments in Whoville.
Jokes aside, Carmageddon's actually pretty bad. I'm 10 miles away, and this is what's happening in my 'hood: http://yfrog.com/h7imvinj
Trying to make friends in your 30s is like being a new appliance. Nobody will let you into their house unless an old one quits on them.
TV Writer (most recently for MAD on Cartoon Network) | Producer | Comedian | Formerly The-Seth
