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So I guess some stranger now knows my LinkedIn password. That makes one of us.
GOP strategy: refuse to kick a field goal because it's not a touchdown, lose by two points, blame the fans, burn down the stadium.
Tell people you like that you like them. The amount of good it makes them feel is much larger than the amount of trouble it causes you.
In Hollywood, actors try and fail 1000 times before they get a chance to succeed. Writers fail 1000 times before they get a chance to try.
Well, I got eliminated in the first round of the Food Network show "Don't Masturbate Into the Food!"
I was using the other side of the pillow before it was cool.
When my tweets critiquing modern culture get no response, I think, "I've shocked everyone into the silence of intense self-realization."
The only new Twitter profile design that its users would like is an actual cave they can live in.
It's nice to see TV execs blaming audiences for no longer liking comedy rather than themselves for proactively making their shows shitty.
News story I see at least once a day: "Network Buys Comedy From That Person You Unfollowed on Twitter"
I can bench press a whole eel.
Chud·ly (adj.) : in the manner of a CHUD : "With a chudly flourish, he horked down another hobo head."
Person: "If I shop today, I could save a lot of money and buy my children gifts I couldn't otherwise afford."
Twitter: "You are garbage."
2013 will be the year I finally stop thinking that line in "Hungry Like the Wolf" is "I'm lost and I'm found / I smell like I sound."
Due to a clerical error by the Make-A-Wish people, I'm spending the day with Bruce Springstein, a subcontractor from Akron. We're grouting.
Everyone! Please tell me more about your minor inconveniences!
Creator of the radio comedy @spclrltvty starring Alex Borstein. TV writer (MAD, Puppet Nation, good ol' days of The N). Advocate for OCD sufferers.
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