Macaulay Culkin looks pretty good for a lesbian.

I only wear my burka on poker night.

I have a pornographic memory.

If you're going to commit suicide, don't be selfish about it... at least go and blow up the fuckin' Westboro Baptist Church first.

Microwavable dinners contain 100% of your daily recommended intake of depression.

If you live life well, once should be enough.

If you don't approve of gay marriage, don't marry a gay person.

Potatoes gonna potate.

#ThoughtsDuringSchool I love school. I need to study hard, get good grades, and make something out of myself and my life.

The same God that made me gay also made you a bigoted fuckface.

I can't afford to be an alcoholic... only a drunk.

I have the ability to hear George Takei say 'Oh, my' in my head, whenever I want.

To everyone that retweets your horoscope: you're the only one who cares.

Elton John holds the world record for being the oldest woman to give birth.

Of course it's "wax on, wax off"... I think you'd look pretty retarded if you just left the wax on...

Alright. Who do I have to blow to get some stars?

You know what happens to people with good hearts? They get the shit kicked out of them, that's what.

When people undress me with their eyes they get halfway down and start re-dressing me.

Britney fans are bottoms.

I have no idea who the fuck Adam Carolla is, so I Googled it. And you know what Google said? "Who the fuck is Adam Carolla?"