Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

Oh my god, killer snails are after us. Walk. Walk for your lives.

If you have conflicting feelings about someone and you see them get hurt you should call the Ambivalence.

Still Sad Vanilla Ice Never Got His Own Slurpee Flavor.

Grape nuts cereal is just re-packaged cat litter, at least it looks and tastes the same.

You're so beautiful you make a glorious sunset look like a big fat turd.

Weird,my give a fuck meter is broken today.

Not sure if "You're balls are showing" is a compliment or not; but I'm taking it.

I wish the dollar store would sell gas.

I heard that some Walmarts will open dental office's inside their stores. Will they have an express lane for people with 12 teeth or less?

She blinded me with science ; anyone who's ever been in a meth lab explosion.

I accidentally listened to Nickelback while Christmas shopping and now I can’t find my soul.

If Costco would bundle gallon jugs of Jack Daniels together like they do their milk; I would finally have a reason to buy a membership.

Their Are no stupid questions but There are a lot of inquisitive idiots..

She was built Ford Tough but with Marylin Monroe Stuff.

Pocket texting is the technological version of pocket pool.

I'm a genius but nobody knows it but me.

Mitt Romney's only chance of winning is to learn the "Gangnam Style" dance and break it out during the debates.

Still waiting for a TV Show were they introduce the people from "American Pickers" to the people from "Hoarders".

I certainly don't care how many stick figures are in your family, as shown on the back of your minivan.