Everyday I wake up and I'm like" oh wtf" I thought all this shit was a dream!

When i die,on my tombstone I want this written" He meant well and he tried very hard"......

If I knew as a kid what I know now.I would be scared shirtless!

My greatest fear is that someday when i am really happy,my buddy will show me the pictures of when i was in the mental insinuation.

@rotusbrossum Cool your back, I always wondered why you went silent for a while.Your sarcastic\,twist on life tweets always made my day.

Do they have beer in hell? Asking for a friend.

Just had makeup sex. Not sure if i used the mascara correctly though....

Watching "Teen Mom" or its optional name. "Superficial Idiot's".

Government plan to send Tyra Banks to the Middle East as an ambassador. Then they realized they didn't want fashionable enemies......

I would never lie. However i may participate in a campaign of misinformation.

When I look back at a bad relationship I think I could have just got drunk and played video games all time instead.

My teenage daughter told me today that she would never live to be 40 because that would be a waste of her time. The irony is.......

Ever wonder where they pour the beer into alcohol fueled race cars?

"When I grow up I want to be a comedian"; something your kids say to piss you off when they are mad at you.

Just saw a stoner higher than Steve Urkel's pants!

The only thing I learned from my mother was how to take all the joy out of a child's life.

Peace is just the time it takes to reload your weapons.

Life:"I don't have a punch line, or a happy ending, for this."

The thing that makes me really sad , even to this day I still do not know what lassie was saying.