Twitter is eHarmony for sociopaths.

Make sure you don't forget the 'R' when you're Googling, "movies of Gary Oldman."

I tackled the mail man today because I wanted a hug but didn't want to seem needy.

As Canadians we may say "sorry" a lot but we're definitely yelling "fuck you" in our sub-conscious. 










Followed by "sorry."

Comedy is just hiding insecurities in a positive, healthy way.

Rihanna's vagina probably sounds like Christian Bale in Batman.

There's a big difference between anti-social and socially disinterested.

Do little people call "ping-pong","tennis"?

I'll give it to you white people, y'all motherfuckers know how to have fun with alcohol.

I hate people who exaggerate so much that I'd rather get ass-raped by a giant Sasquatch-Dragon hybrid while a German Shepherd ate my balls.

I explained Twitter to a psychologist. For the next 30 mins I watched as he called up all his buddies. He kept saying "we won" or something.

Why the hell would I pay $68 for one condom when I can just as easily buy 68 for $1/each and have the thickest penis for intercourse ever?

Googled 'Google' and I'm pretty sure I just wrote and directed Inception 2.

The only upside to being up early on the weekend is seeing people on their walks of shame.

My tweets have an average of 1 star, but usually by a random individual. Nice to know my comedy is so widespread.

And I don't have tits.

I'm going to teach my kid that the letter "h" in "hate" is silent. That way, I've guaranteed myself a few good laughs.

'JUSTIN BIEBER FOR PRESIDENT' is trending. If 2012 isn't the end of days, the next generation will definitely take care of that.

"My 5th grade biology teacher referred to the vagina as 'meatloaf'."


- The first words my inevitable psychologist will hear.

There's this epidemic going around. It gives people the illusion they're being hated on when no one even notices them.

I'm really good with my hands, so naturally I play with my pianist.