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I think you better kiss me before I make any more promises that I can't possibly keep.
Apparently Guinness World records doesn't want to include me in their book even though I can motorboat myself
What's the difference between a huge penis and a unicorn?
Unicorns are white.
In a parallel universe, people are wasting their time by 'having a life'.
Make me laugh and there's a good chance I'll let you make me cum.
In a bar:
- Are you two lovely ladies from Ireland?
- No! It's Wales you asshole! Wales!
- Ooohh. Sorr-ee. Are you two whales from Ireland?
Oh you'd wreck my pussy if we fucked?
Bro, I'd wreck your entire life if we fucked.
Where can I buy a black girl butt?
I've come to the conclusion that Steve jobs is a poltergeist that haunts iPhone batteries and that's why they run out so fast.
My bed has moved a somewhat disturbing distance from the wall considering I haven't had any sex in it.
How to be a white girl:
1.) Get a frappuccino from Starbucks
2.) take a picture drinking it
3.) Instagram it
4.) hash tag 'summerrrrrrrrr'
I love you so much I'll let you choose which hole
Life is so damn short. Do who/what you love & makes you happy. Tell the critics to fuck off. That is all the inspiration I can muster. Sorry
I'm opening up a restaurant called: I Don't Care, Where Do You Wanna Go?
Where do I find one of you in real life?
The worst kind of thief is the one whose mission is to steal someone else's happiness.
Heels. So I'm the perfect height when you bend me over.
Things I look for in a man:
1. Able to pick me up and fuck me against the wall.
2. Please see #1
*brandish imaginary sword*
- unacceptable things to shout when leaving the office for a long weekend, apparently
"IF I DIE BURY ME INSIDE A COFFIN STORE"
social editor @AskMen
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