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The digital picture frame that sits on your desk at work but it's just all your favorite gifs
I don't have anything in common with people that say they aren't hungry.
If everywhere you go, there's a problem.... Guess what?
Many things in life will catch your eye,
But only few will catch your heart and calm your soul,
Chase those things passionately
*drums out the solo from "In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins on the desk with 2 pens during my disciplinary meeting with HR.
Offend someone in a new way today.
to all of my many many twitter friends (ha), im going to be a grandmother! this is my 1st official announcement. yeah, my cat is a slut.
murderer: 🎶 just a city boy
[hiding under the bed]
me: FUCK! [cry-singing] 🎶 born and raised in south Detroit.
anger is neat because it gives people the illusion that they're in control.
"My neck, my back..."
No really my neck and my back really hurt tonight --- rain check?
Pro tip: Don't moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I'm sorry. What were you saying?
-me as a therapist
My naivety brings all the predators to my yard
No other good attribute will ever surpass its importance.
No other bad behavior will ever erase it meaning.
I'm always disappointed when liar's pants don't actually catch on fire
Me on deathbed: One last thing before I die?
Husband: *in tears* Yes?
M: Change the toilet paper roll
H: *pulls out my breathing tubes*
I like the word "bae" because "the guy who I go to restaurants and then fight about parking with" isn't as easy to say
Hi, is that seat taken?
(Points to his face, bites lip)
**Gets thrown over shoulder & carried to car, caveman style.**
Flirting is easy.
"If you say so...."
*eye rolls herself into a grand mal seizure while perfecting jerk off motion
A restraining order but for chatty people.
head of social @Futurism
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