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We all know, once you lose trust,
It's hard to get back,
But so is respect.
Hearing your husband fart in the shower, then laughing hysterically to himself. This is marriage, kids. Don't be too quick to sign up.
More people have been driven insane due to hope rather than fear.
Where's the beef?
~ Mahatma Gandhi probably
She may be Canadian, but her autocorrect changed "I'm sorry" to "Fuck off"
Do you ever look at your dog as he lays there growling at you for coughing, and wonder, "Why am I best friends with this jerk?"
I don't mind when people run their mouth online because at least they're exercising something.
Google Maps can't find my clitoris, either.
I'm "hold the antenna right there and don't move" years old.
Go to a bar with 5 lighters, you come home with none.
Go to a bar with no lighters, you come home with 5.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*
*adds "Historian" to bio*
*stands next to a guy in line with kids so it looks like we're a family.
Do you think when Samuel L. Jackson does a movie without Quentin Tarantino, Quentin stands outside his house with a boom box over his head?
If I send you to the store for butter & you come home with margarine...
Just know I'm gonna stab you in the eyeball
[inventing the tea kettle]
"It should make a sound when it's ready."
"Nice. Like a bell?"
"I was thinking animals screaming in pain."
People who say, "Less is more" have less and want you to think it's more.
The worst thing a woman can catch you doing is smiling at your phone.
Yelling over to my neighbor "I hope the sex is good" whilst she shovels the snow and her hubby is watching t.v. isn't mean is it?
If guys with only one testicle don't say "I've got your Powerball right here!" I just don't want to live anymore.
We all know you're no bad ass. Quit your yapping and go do something productive for once.
- Me, to my dog whenever someone knocks.
social editor @AskMen
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