My girlfriend pissed me off so I let the air out of her and put her back in the closet

I call my tweets A cups because they all get ignored.

I never fuck up, unless she's on top.

the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but the path to glory is littered with fuck-ups.

I did not fail 100 times, I succesfully found 100 ways that will not work.

How about a radio station that plays nothing but porn music?

4 out of the 5 voices in my head told me to stay home and clean my guns today.

I have a drink before my AA meetings so I can be more sociable.

I thought I found a bunch of weed in the trash can, but it turned out to be Oscar the Grouch :(

My fortune cookie msg says I should get in touch with my feminine side. I can't believe I have a feminine side and haven't touched it yet!!!

I only fuck up when she's on top.

Kid: "Mom, where do babies come from?" Mom: "Storks bring them dear."
Kid: "Dad fucked a stork?"

I'd rather be drunk, in bed, watching the Breakfast Club.

i tried using a ouija board once. It spelled out F-U-C-K-Y-O-U

I read most accidents happen near home, so I moved.

Is masturbating to twitter normal?

She said she liked my dick! Then she added she used to have one just like it :-(

if u use your baby as an avi and tweet sick shit, totally blocked!

I generally followback anybody, except pornbots, corporate executives, authors of boring novels, and douchebags.

4 out of 5 voices in my head said I should've stayed home and cleaned my guns today.