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Keep your friend's clothes & your enemy's toaster.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn't have been much use in Vietnam.
No matter how much she likes the movie 'Babe' saying, "that'll do, pig" does not go over well after a BJ.
If lower back tattoos on women are Tramp Stamps, it's only fair we call neck tattoos on dudes Statistically Likely To Batter Women Stamps.
"I would walk 500 miles & I would walk 500 more* (*weather conditions permitting)" - The Disclaimers
I just realised. We're never going to see those cubs eating their dinner on the roller coaster EVER AGAIN.
Whenever I get mildly annoyed, my head turns around 180 degrees. Doctors think I might have Irritable Owl Syndrome.
(I'm so sorry.)
If I was Ryan Gosling, I'd look a bit fucking happier about it.
Unfollowed someone who got Twitter confused with Facebook & tweeted a thinly veiled cry for help instead of something about their nans tits.
People with tattoos of their kids' birthdates must feel a bit silly now that even the cheapest mobile phones have a decent calendar function
"Who's THAT cunt? Who's THIS cunt? Who are THOSE cunts?" - Me, watching any music video channel.
Don't want to burst your bubble, but Jesus is way too busy to be giving you a piggyback along the beach every time you get a bit depressed.
Dear Tesco. I bought 6 large free range eggs from your Leyton branch this afternoon, but when I opened the box THEY WERE CHILDREN'S EYES.
One of these days, Cher is going to hock up that loogie.
I want to get a t-shirt with "YES IT DOES FUCKING GET DARK EARLY NOW!" printed on it.
Lou Reed didn't turn up for darts practice again. I'm starting to get worried about him.
Police horses hardly ever solve any crimes.
Tie your own fucking kangaroo down. I'm not getting involved in that shit.
The comedy podcast that joins hands across the Atlantic Ocean & gives it a friendly reach-around. Don't worry. We edit.