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Keep your friend's clothes & your enemy's toaster.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn't have been much use in Vietnam.
No matter how much she likes the movie 'Babe' saying, "that'll do, pig" does not go over well after a BJ.
If lower back tattoos on women are Tramp Stamps, it's only fair we call neck tattoos on dudes Statistically Likely To Batter Women Stamps.
"I would walk 500 miles & I would walk 500 more* (*weather conditions permitting)" - The Disclaimers
I just realised. We're never going to see those cubs eating their dinner on the roller coaster EVER AGAIN.
Whenever I get mildly annoyed, my head turns around 180 degrees. Doctors think I might have Irritable Owl Syndrome.
(I'm so sorry.)
If I was Ryan Gosling, I'd look a bit fucking happier about it.
Unfollowed someone who got Twitter confused with Facebook & tweeted a thinly veiled cry for help instead of something about their nans tits.
People with tattoos of their kids' birthdates must feel a bit silly now that even the cheapest mobile phones have a decent calendar function
Don't want to burst your bubble, but Jesus is way too busy to be giving you a piggyback along the beach every time you get a bit depressed.
"Who's THAT cunt? Who's THIS cunt? Who are THOSE cunts?" - Me, watching any music video channel.
Dear Tesco. I bought 6 large free range eggs from your Leyton branch this afternoon, but when I opened the box THEY WERE CHILDREN'S EYES.
"Not bad, but can we make the moonlight a bit more serious?" - David Bowie, set design meeting, 1983.
One of these days, Cher is going to hock up that loogie.
I want to get a t-shirt with "YES IT DOES FUCKING GET DARK EARLY NOW!" printed on it.
Police horses hardly ever solve any crimes.
The comedy podcast that has it's own News Copter & usually features at least one monkey. Don't worry. We edit.