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Keep your friend's clothes & your enemy's toaster.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn't have been much use in Vietnam.
No matter how much she likes the movie 'Babe' saying, "that'll do, pig" does not go over well after a BJ.
If lower back tattoos on women are Tramp Stamps, it's only fair we call neck tattoos on dudes Statistically Likely To Batter Women Stamps.
I just realised. We're never going to see those cubs eating their dinner on the roller coaster EVER AGAIN.
Whenever I get mildly annoyed, my head turns around 180 degrees. Doctors think I might have Irritable Owl Syndrome.
(I'm so sorry.)
Unfollowed someone who got Twitter confused with Facebook & tweeted a thinly veiled cry for help instead of something about their nans tits.
People with tattoos of their kids' birthdates must feel a bit silly now that even the cheapest mobile phones have a decent calendar function
If I was Ryan Gosling, I'd look a bit fucking happier about it.
"Who's THAT cunt? Who's THIS cunt? Who are THOSE cunts?" - Me, watching any music video channel.
Don't want to burst your bubble, but Jesus is way too busy to be giving you a piggyback along the beach every time you get a bit depressed.
Dear Tesco. I bought 6 large free range eggs from your Leyton branch this afternoon, but when I opened the box THEY WERE CHILDREN'S EYES.
I want to get a t-shirt with "YES IT DOES FUCKING GET DARK EARLY NOW!" printed on it.
Tie your own fucking kangaroo down. I'm not getting involved in that shit.
Police horses hardly ever solve any crimes.
Spent an hour gluing this disguise to my testicle for the party. Turns out that's not what they meant by a masked ball.
I was absolutely determined to give up drinking this week, but then I saw this really cheap ice cube tray on eBay.
When I was 9, I heard a rhino fart. A deep, thick raspberry that went on for nearly 30 seconds. It's all been downhill since then, really.
Looper is basically a film about spawn camping.
The comedy podcast that joins hands across the Atlantic Ocean & gives it a friendly reach-around. Don't worry. We edit.