I don't have a drinking problem, I just like playing a game I like to call, "How Much Wine Can I Drink Before I Go to Sleep."

New haircut. It screams "Sally Field from Mrs. Doubtfire".

Just realized my "paying attention intently" face looks exactly like the average person's confused face. #MyBad

#Starbucks , I'm going to take your new cinnamon roll as an admission of failure of the last one. Hope someone got fired for that fuckup.

I've started using the excuse, "I'm just being Miley, " to justify my bad choices.

I do my best work in bed and by work I mean sandwich eating.

Everyone knows that everyone's favorite song ever is Return of the Mack.

Boosting morale is as easy as putting a bar next to your place of work. #andtheeconomy

I want to open a restaurant where our special is called Justice so every time it's ordered I can yell "Justice has been served!"

If you don't want a wedgie then don't wear underwear #myadviceto12yearoldboys

In the words of the physically dead Michael Jackson and the professionally dead Kenny Loggins, "This is it."

The hardest thing about being an adult is learning not to eat your lunch for breakfast.

The hours of Commencement speeches I've listened to this weekend has only inspired me to never want to graduate again #BUCommencement

Someday I hope Steph Gottsch is synonymous with "The White Female Tyler Perry"

Classhole n. that guy in class who asks too many questions, thinks he knows everything, knows nothing and irritates everyone

Most days I like to play a game called: "How many Tyler Perry Movie Titles Can I work into a conversation" #Icandobadallbymyself

Snooki's pregnancy may be exactly what Republicans needed to rethink their stances on abortions. #JerseyShoreandPregnant #MTV

I consider "Not Leaving my Straightener On" to be a successful day.

Thinking of opening a store that sells only guns and marriage licenses. Will call it "Til Death Do Us Apart". #NHprobablyalreadyhasone

"CONGRATS JUSTIN" is trending. I'm assuming his balls finally dropped?