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Howdy, rich people! You've got your tax cuts! I'm totally ready for you to hire me for one of the hundreds of jobs I applied for last year.
If you've always felt sort of funny-looking and hate going places, don't worry. You're just supposed to be old. Wait it out.
A bad analogy is worth its weight in gloves.
If life hands you lemons, chop off its hands and wear them as horrifying antlers because you're a monster, a monster with antlers of life.
Can't Wake Daddy #DepressingToys
Q: Why do white people put kids on leashes? A: If two white children meet and are not properly restrained, they'll fight until one is dead.
I gotta say, paying very strong men with leadership potential to damage each other's brains sounds like a great way to postpone revolution.
The fact that women have to spend International Women's Day explaining to men that Nov. 19th is International Men's Day says so, so much.
I assume when Sir Mix-a-Lot said "I cannot lie" he meant he couldn't lie about liking big butts, but what if he was also cursed by a wizard?
If your household makes over $450K and you have trouble making ends meet, save money by renting in a high crime area and never eating out!
- Against health care reform? Write out your reasons in a sympathetic letter to your future self who's sick and out of work.
WARNING: If you travel back in time less than eight years, people will recognize you, but think you look like shit.
You can be pissed at rioters, sad for them, pissed at the people who orchestrated their environment, and sad for businesses, all at once.
- My wife thinks I'm crazy for turning over each tater tot individually at the ten minute mark, and because of the things I do and say.
If you're not mad, you aren't paying attention to things that will make you mad.
...a vivid narrative and raconteur-father in the land of looming evergreens and rainy fortnights. - Paul Shinn