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I'm thankful that rappers remind me they do it big. I'd hate to think of a hip hop star doing it medium. So sad.
They say keep your friends close and you're enemies closer. But I like my space. Everybody just be cool and stay at the distance you are now
I've never had bad blood with anyone. When I get messed with I just get upset. Then we have sad blood.
I just overheard a man reference his penis as a "pah jay jay". Please, somebody stop this.
Passive aggressive cooking: in which your partner complains about being hungry but refuses to cook til u get so frustrated you make a meal.
"You look really nice today!"
Me: fuck off complimentary water! You're just saying that because it's your job.
Calling bullshit on this equal pay stuff for women. Cyndi Lauper told us years ago girls just want to have fun. That's all they really want.
If Taco Bell has taught me anything it's that you can dream anything up and serve it on your menu, as long as it gives you diarrhea.
"Rolling with the homies", makes it sound like they're having a bedtime cuddle. Can't I just walk with the homies?
People who need to use the phrase "Can I get a witness?" are almost always the least deserving of a witness.
They say knowledge is power but I just bought a gun...pretty sure this bitch is more powerful than calculus.
Co-worker: *points to thing* look at this shit.
Me: that's not shit. Because I've done that before and it doesn't look anything like that.
If you need to read the directions on how to climb a ladder, you shouldn't be allowed to climb one.
I spent a lot of my life trying to get into various ladies pants. At this age I now realize, those weren't going to fit me anyway.
After all this time and after all the commercials explaining it I still don't know how the fuck it feels to chew 5 gum.
Me: Cool Ranch.
Flavored condom ceo: ...get out
Me: nacho cheese?
Do you think the person who coined the phrase "acting like they have a stick up his/her ass" did any field testing to back up the statement?
A subtle hint of awesome sprinkled with hilarious. Vintage 1982. Enjoy.
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