Sometimes just one compliment from one person causes a chain reaction that gives someone the confidence they needed. Don't hold back.

Good or bad, kids remember their childhood forever. As parents, part of our job is to provide as many good memories for them as possible.

And I DON'T WANT THE WORLD TO RETWEET ME, cause I DON'T THINK THAT THEY'D UNDERSTAND.

WIFE: So did any of the popular kids retweet you today?
ME: I don't like you.

Sorry I haven't tweeted in a few hours but I've been busy. These Marvel and Star Wars action figures weren't gonna battle themselves.

Fuck, I don't know Dora, why don't you find something on your own for a fucking change?!

If you don't love me at my Phantom Menace then you don't deserve me at my Empire Strikes Back.

All Twitter should be is a place to share laughs, make friends, and support each other in getting through the bullshit life gives us.

Appreciate what you have. Unless what you have is a rabid badger gnawing on your leg. I would probably not appreciate that.

The "With Arms Wide Open" music video, but with me standing in front of a Krispy Kreme.

WIFE: What are you thinking about?
ME: WOLVERINE BATTLING BOBA FETT!
WIFE: ...
ME: WOO!

GOD: And what did you learn from life?
ME: That everything I do is wrong?
GOD: ...
ME: Do you have wifi here?

There there password. I don't think you're weak.

I would totally hug a penguin; I don't care if it bites my face.

Angry Birds, but with wives. Angry Wives. Fling wives at their husband's forts!

Sometimes I grab a soda out of the fridge right before the door closes like I'm Indiana Jones grabbing his fedora.

All of us, with "smart" phones. Now there's an oxymoron.

Just be happy guys. Figure out what will make you happy and go get it.

Remember to judge people based on a single tweet.

"Better sorry than safe." -Canadians.