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  • shahrouzt
      Shahrouz @shahrouzt

    Í héár ćhíćkś díg áććéńtś.

    • 864
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramer_kaeseteayyhluscunaughtynaffitinKleinationLaScorchaKevinDeanGanderfreezingsheep
    • 634
    • RETWEETS
    arthurlemonsrainingtbirdnaughtynaffit_azara_JustTashiema_creme_brulee__h3ll0d0llynPhelendriqal
    hg47corsaljferg1616JonJon_Brown
  • shahrouzt
      Shahrouz @shahrouzt

    The amount of times I've had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.

    • 858
    • FAVS
    fav_ly001fav_ly0009u1nnsix4certainRaisedxAliensheejeroenvuokkodannybrown73
    • 472
    • RETWEETS
    nvalvo_stellaryo_thanlandMorganDewanh3ll0d0llyCarmeloStarchamashouse______77katieCarter_inc
    TheTennisPhenomweinerdog4lifeKelleysBreakRm
  • shahrouzt
      Shahrouz @shahrouzt

    I bet Chris Brown's alarm clock hesitates to go off in the morning.

    • 566
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramersix4certainsamsara668SeanpocalypseBondJameshBondIAmCydney_ComoSayEskimoOohbeartrap
    • 273
    • RETWEETS
    sandboxtoyZacBaltzwuzupvanilafaceJeffBTWOohbeartrapkatidid7StephenBCramerMark_Tiscareno____
    GarreTheFerretJayUhOh
  • shahrouzt
      Shahrouz @shahrouzt

    I just farted while Siri was active and she brought up a map of France.

    • 468
    • FAVS
    Vovo_ZuSirAaronDanielSultani_SailsBonesHerPortRoosterAredubbleyou______samsara668Seanpocalypse
    • 199
    • RETWEETS
    milianlucicAredubbleyou______samsara668nononowaityeahLuthah34kristenstockdalBarkingAnusProfessor_Ryan
    TimHainesBrainlessGeorgeweinerdog4life
  • shahrouzt
      Shahrouz @shahrouzt

    If you ever want to see my impression of one of those inflatable tube guys dealerships use, throw a moth down the back of my shirt.

    • 442
    • FAVS
    Vovo_ZuSlayerSays________gr8k8b____________peachey_keensamsara668SeanpocalypseComoSayEskimokamiekaymee__
    • 122
    • RETWEETS
    gr8k8b____________samsara668jasonlight73OhDuarteguitar_freakogmark4311donovantwaddleteedw
    OhDuarteGarreTheFerretskullpuppy11scrirc____________siamondayGuiltlessNickBasstardy________pizzaguyjay______
  • shahrouzt
      Shahrouz @shahrouzt

    I never 'blow it up' when pounding fists because I'm Middle Eastern and that's still a touchy subject.

    • 405
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerbrandiwastakenBonesHerHeyRacheMathewTittleibnuperdanaKarenLKendallsm1rks
    • 119
    • RETWEETS
    brandiwastakencollegegurrrl____HeyRacheKarenLKendallsm1rkschagger73PortRoosterAredubbleyou______
    jeffporperGuiltlessNickHey_Tess
  • shahrouzt
      Shahrouz @shahrouzt

    Saying "We're peeing at the same time!" when my wife was on the toilet and I was in the shower did not produce the "Aww!" I was hoping for.

    • 388
    • FAVS
    BrentweetsOFtrash14________samsara668SeanpocalypseSacamanoBOhDuarteCpt_Burnoutnononowaityeah
    • 93
    • RETWEETS
    OFtrash14________samsara668justabituniqueOne_FineMesshg47Clarissa798LindsayDianneStephenBCramer
    goodballspizzaguyjay______
  • shahrouzt
      Shahrouz @shahrouzt

    “They’re using it for WHAT?!” — inventor of the detachable shower head

    • 348
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerNotAStupidGirlMacKoolioGuyAdvisorLitra_In_Denial__samsara668Seanpocalypseurgeekisshowing
    • 131
    • RETWEETS
    sandboxtoyrainingtbirddietcoke78PodyTheCirate____SassyKandersCpt_BurnoutlandondyoungLoverOfComics94
    thatstings
  • shahrouzt
      Shahrouz @shahrouzt

    Well, well, well. If it isn’t three sources of water.

    • 311
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerbr03dAstridMidtuncholesteroIsix4certainblanket_slugjohngayseeGuyAdvisor
    • 147
    • RETWEETS
    LatZzePaleryder1776DCrose76jasonlight73RealMattGandeeeatyourdinnerapopagasmjennthegreat1
    Neutrontrilogysumpeoplelikeit
  • shahrouzt
      Shahrouz @shahrouzt

    If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it's probably a girl posing for a picture.

    • 283
    • FAVS
    lolimdrunkStephenBCramersix4certainasoiree__MacKoolioBasstardy________ayeisha25thundergunit
    • 171
    • RETWEETS
    JeffSikesasoiree__ayeisha25UnfrozenThoughtmanchiscapLitra_In_Denial__jasonlight73sarthakbatra
    bombscribe
  • shahrouzt
      Shahrouz @shahrouzt

    A pregnant woman smoking a cigarette just asked to use my phone. I was upset at first but then I remembered I have free weekend minutes.

    • 341
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerSeanpocalypseComoSayEskimoBeerhazeSacamanoBOhDuartekjmeowalongcamepachi____
    • 112
    • RETWEETS
    Basstardy________jasonlight73Feliciovs3BJ_Tina4Prince_JDDBobbyBucchaegreyeyes66SlabBaconBP
    billymeetsworldKindofKyle
  • shahrouzt
      Shahrouz @shahrouzt

    I hate seeing a pregnant woman cry, but I saw this seat first.

    • 342
    • FAVS
    samsara668SeanpocalypseSacamanoBPeppersprayJLizMellownononowaityeahDerslangTaylorVirtue
    • 91
    • RETWEETS
    iluvc0ck___gabznononowaityeahCandy_grrlCopperheadSammibillymeetsworldEricWhiteShield__ispypanda
    Tuna_LoverShaneezaAlli
  • shahrouzt
      Shahrouz @shahrouzt

    Fun thing I do on the train: hold an arm out longingly towards someone random with tears in my eyes as we pull away from each station.

    • 295
    • FAVS
    samsara668SeanpocalypsenononowaityeahdomesticHOne_FineMess_InsanelyNormal__hg47CelebrityChez
    • 92
    • RETWEETS
    nononowaityeahSnellWarrenMadame_ButtaflyManateeJackHXXIV__________Philip37937ta1isman__________clindsaysway
    NeutrontrilogyTheSnideOneKalliWow__________
  • shahrouzt
      Shahrouz @shahrouzt

    If I can't play your butt like a bongo whenever I want then why in the mother fuck did we get married?

    • 296
    • FAVS
    FeliciovsSeanpocalypseDanTheSnickMaggieLynn00lilgapeach30______cervixsmash_BBxgSSDated
    • 86
    • RETWEETS
    MaggieLynn00_BBxgseanmc23Chass_tasticstephheinrichsohitslikethat_Unknown_Johnsondrownindreams
    goodballsThatGirlSloane
  • shahrouzt
      Shahrouz @shahrouzt

    Yes, I get that you're goth. Stop hissing at me.

    • 290
    • FAVS
    six4certainSeanpocalypsesumpeoplelikeitHallowedCrowandrewgutinFeelingMervisManda_like_wineCpt_Burnout
    • 90
    • RETWEETS
    DaveothebraveoslickasafoxyOne_FineMessMs_Elle18tannerrabeliz_91thedailymarkerTHE_shitface
    spotswoj
  • shahrouzt
      Shahrouz @shahrouzt

    I wouldn't say I'm pro abortion, I'm more amateur abortion.

    • 295
    • FAVS
    THEPokerWifeStcyBnsnLitra_In_Denial__stasdaraBrentweetsn0tblondesamsara668Seanpocalypse
    • 67
    • RETWEETS
    StcyBnsnsamsara668SlabBaconBPTorilicious_13YoloFromBehindHumor_FetishLeslie_Kaye1KidsTheZeDays
    cheezeburg________
  • shahrouzt
      Shahrouz @shahrouzt

    My local soft rock station is still looking for the ninth caller to win a pair of concert tickets to see the Counting Crows three years ago.

    • 291
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramersix4certainSeanpocalypseCpt_BurnoutArroiaalongcamepachi____domesticH_InsanelyNormal__
    • 69
    • RETWEETS
    JondoMedia__dillondevoeapril_mcleanspecialkrs1______bouncerface______luckyjackMrNickJCHillsHaveFallen
    shatterpants______GuyAdvisorskullpuppy11peachgrenade
  • shahrouzt
      Shahrouz @shahrouzt

    If I ever get to 10,000 followers I'm changing my avatar to an egg and manually RTing everyone with comments like "LOL!!!" and "SO TRUE!!!"

    • 286
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramersix4certainsamsara668SeanpocalypseBwanaChrisseriouslykatesMissHurricanezManda_like_wine
    • 70
    • RETWEETS
    lianke977BwanaChrisjasonlight73TomBanks1________kidphonicbouncerface______Favstar250luluaa_
    goodballsAristotlesNZ__
  • shahrouzt
      Shahrouz @shahrouzt

    "This is why we can't have nice things!" -- me, pointing to my wallet, in a room alone.

    • 275
    • FAVS
    six4certainNSElvisayeisha25SeanpocalypseShoutingGoddessArroiadomesticHgoodballs
    • 61
    • RETWEETS
    ayeisha25indonesianidlesc_vaughnJessburkeen_InsanelyNormal__mochanyabeandowhatiwantGreenStarr13
    GuiltlessNickVodkaDietSoda
  • shahrouzt
      Shahrouz @shahrouzt

    I just tried Twitter Crush. Worst soda I've ever had.

    • 273
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramersix4certainNSElvisemancihateSeanpocalypsenononowaityeahArroiaBrooklynMarch
    • 61
    • RETWEETS
    Litra_In_Denial__nononowaityeahSpudvetchgoodballsSanjivaniIJprofx307Favstar250KaylieeeGraham
    GreenheadsOnly____
@shahrouzt

@shahrouzt

Several ER trips and a few broken bones later, I still don’t know why they’re called parachute pants.