The amount of times I've had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.

I bet Chris Brown's alarm clock hesitates to go off in the morning.

I just farted while Siri was active and she brought up a map of France.

If you ever want to see my impression of one of those inflatable tube guys dealerships use, throw a moth down the back of my shirt.

I never 'blow it up' when pounding fists because I'm Middle Eastern and that's still a touchy subject.

Saying "We're peeing at the same time!" when my wife was on the toilet and I was in the shower did not produce the "Aww!" I was hoping for.

“They’re using it for WHAT?!” — inventor of the detachable shower head

Well, well, well. If it isn’t three sources of water.

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it's probably a girl posing for a picture.

A pregnant woman smoking a cigarette just asked to use my phone. I was upset at first but then I remembered I have free weekend minutes.

I hate seeing a pregnant woman cry, but I saw this seat first.

Fun thing I do on the train: hold an arm out longingly towards someone random with tears in my eyes as we pull away from each station.

If I can't play your butt like a bongo whenever I want then why in the mother fuck did we get married?

Yes, I get that you're goth. Stop hissing at me.

I wouldn't say I'm pro abortion, I'm more amateur abortion.

My local soft rock station is still looking for the ninth caller to win a pair of concert tickets to see the Counting Crows three years ago.

If I ever get to 10,000 followers I'm changing my avatar to an egg and manually RTing everyone with comments like "LOL!!!" and "SO TRUE!!!"

"This is why we can't have nice things!" -- me, pointing to my wallet, in a room alone.

My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.