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When I hear the phrase 'going viral' I automatically assume herpes is involved at some point
I think my grasp of the obvious is starting to slip
Beware a woman with a vivid imagination and a severe lack of impulse control.
I wonder why you never see obese zombies...
Must be a metabolism thing
I need some crazy…twitter, do your thing
I'd tweet about sex but there's that whole writing about what you know thing...
Having a twitter crush is taking the concept of an imaginary friend to a whole different disturbing level…
I consider you my prisoners. React appropriately
Truth: no one fucking cares. Accept that and you’re a long ways toward being okay
Never understood why guys in Viagra commercials seem so happy. They're admitting their wieners don't work
I have one hoodie and the zipper’s stuck. Single for life I guess
Life rule: maintain solid distance from people who brush their teeth in public restrooms
Think “nefarious” is a good one word description for you guys
Mental abscesses filled with fragments of shattered dreams attacked by psychic antibodies building mazes
You know it’s about to get real when the pelicans start flying off…
I wonder how many points my iq has dropped since I got on twitter
It's nice change of pace talking to a woman who has her shit together AND answers the phone when I call. Unicorns really do exist!
Not in the mood for your shit
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