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When I hear the phrase 'going viral' I automatically assume herpes is involved at some point
Beware a woman with a vivid imagination and a severe lack of impulse control.
I think my grasp of the obvious is starting to slip
I wonder why you never see obese zombies...
Must be a metabolism thing
I need some crazy…twitter, do your thing
Having a twitter crush is taking the concept of an imaginary friend to a whole different disturbing level…
I'd tweet about sex but there's that whole writing about what you know thing...
I consider you my prisoners. React appropriately
Never understood why guys in Viagra commercials seem so happy. They're admitting their wieners don't work
I have one hoodie and the zipper’s stuck. Single for life I guess
Life rule: maintain solid distance from people who brush their teeth in public restrooms
Think “nefarious” is a good one word description for you guys
It's nice change of pace talking to a woman who has her shit together AND answers the phone when I call. Unicorns really do exist!
Mental abscesses filled with fragments of shattered dreams attacked by psychic antibodies building mazes
I wish I could remember the last time I got snugglefucked
Truth: no one fucking cares. Accept that and you’re a long ways toward being okay
Let's overanalyze some shit and get all pissy while we're at it