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Beware a woman with a vivid imagination and a severe lack of impulse control.
I think my grasp of the obvious is starting to slip
I wonder why you never see obese zombies...
Must be a metabolism thing
I need some crazy…twitter, do your thing
Having a twitter crush is taking the concept of an imaginary friend to a whole different disturbing level…
I'd tweet about sex but there's that whole writing about what you know thing...
I wonder how many points my iq has dropped since I got on twitter
I consider you my prisoners. React appropriately
Truth: no one fucking cares. Accept that and you’re a long ways toward being okay
I have one hoodie and the zipper’s stuck. Single for life I guess
Never understood why guys in Viagra commercials seem so happy. They're admitting their wieners don't work
Life rule: maintain solid distance from people who brush their teeth in public restrooms
Think “nefarious” is a good one word description for you guys
You know it’s about to get real when the pelicans start flying off…
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