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Beware a woman with a vivid imagination and a severe lack of impulse control.
I think my grasp of the obvious is starting to slip
I wonder why you never see obese zombies...
Must be a metabolism thing
I need some crazy…twitter, do your thing
Having a twitter crush is taking the concept of an imaginary friend to a whole different disturbing level…
I'd tweet about sex but there's that whole writing about what you know thing...
I consider you my prisoners. React appropriately
Truth: no one fucking cares. Accept that and you’re a long ways toward being okay
I have one hoodie and the zipper’s stuck. Single for life I guess
Never understood why guys in Viagra commercials seem so happy. They're admitting their wieners don't work
Life rule: maintain solid distance from people who brush their teeth in public restrooms
Think “nefarious” is a good one word description for you guys
You know it’s about to get real when the pelicans start flying off…
Mental abscesses filled with fragments of shattered dreams attacked by psychic antibodies building mazes
I wonder how many points my iq has dropped since I got on twitter
It's nice change of pace talking to a woman who has her shit together AND answers the phone when I call. Unicorns really do exist!
Stuck On Stupid
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