I still want you, even if you're broken...




Me to my cookie.

I wish this burrito came with an avocado. And money. And a car. And a time machine. Instead it has tomatoes.

Ever want to say something but the timing was wrong? And you just KNOW it'd be perfect if the timing was right? Me neither.

I'd follow happier more upbeat people but I like keepin my food down. Thanks.

I really hate when people justify 75% of their conversations with "I'm jus sayin!" it's NOT necessary! Just say what you want and move on!!

Bad people are punished by the law. Good people are punished by murphys law.

Yes I deleted it, YES I fixed the typo, YES I've got issues, NO I will not work on them.

Remember when I needed you and you were there for me? Oh you don't? Oh yeah, it's cuz you weren't there for me.

You can cancel plans with friends if there's a possibility of sex, apparently.

I swear I get texts and forget to respond cuz I'm tweeting.

I'm gonna make a rap song about braces because they're basically the training bra of grillz.

Nothing is quite as infuriating as someone who doesn't care when you want them to.

elevator opened up before i pushed the button but it's empty? thank you but i'll take the stairs.

When I'm in a good mood, you people are weird. But when I'm in a bad mood, you're the just what I need.

I found out yesterday that opera is like porn. If you're in it for the riveting storyline, you will be sorely disappointed.

Oh my! You're so beautiful! *punches in face* sorry, you were prettier than me and I can't have that.

Fancy an orgasm?

Don't eat your food over anything you aren't willing to lick it off of later. Happy eatings! ^_^

.@jtthabrick @zachbraff didn't realize being an actor deprived you of the ability to be a multi-faceted person. Reagan? No? Maybe? :)

People don't remember but royalty back stabbed each other regularly for the throne.